Cinema Somnambulist

Giallo Meltdown 6: L'assassino uccide una vittima a morte

2012-01-25T11:28:00.003-05:00

Whoa! That's right, y'all. I am prepping for the sixth Giallo Meltdown. I am hoping to watch 17 or 18 gialli between Friday evening and Sunday night. And go to freakin' work on Monday morning! Can I get a hellz yeah? What is different about this one? Well, it won't be going up on Doomed Moviethon and it won't be here on the blog. Heck, I'm not even going to reveal the playlist! This moviethon is going directly into Giallo Meltdown: The Book. Who is a teaser? Me! Later, I might do a little music mix with some choice bits of dialog and see if you all can guess what films were viewed this weekend. That would no doubt be a total hoot. A HOOT!

Hello! This is the Doomed Show Episode #12

2012-01-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

Episode 12 has come. Brad and I do some damage to some films. We cold rock the Screams of a Winter Night and Jennifer. This isn't a joke. This is real. You can listen to and/or download the episode at Podomatic or you can just download it at Mediafire. And don't forget, older episodes are located at our archives. Those are totally real things you can do.

Zeiram!

2012-01-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

While fighting a cold this weekend, I revisited something special that I hadn't seen in years.

And I found it to be good. Very, very good.

No CGI, just a lot of imagination. Fun stuff.

And I didn't even know there was a sequel. It's going in the queue.

Guest Blog: Underrated and Underseen Slasher Films Part 1

2012-01-13T07:00:00.042-05:00

Hey folks! Brad's here and he's ready to lay some serious slasher titles on us! Enjoy!

There are -shockingly- folks out there that tire of seeing Friday The 13th Part 2 and Halloween over and over. I am not one of those people. But for those that are I've put together a list of my favorite underrated/underseen slasher films.

Here is the first blast:

House Of Death/Death Screams 1982 (there seems to be some internet confusion on the year)

House Of Death is in no hurry to let you feel it up. It takes its time in unfurling its charms. It is leisurely in that early '80s regional slasher film way. There's a carnival, a cemetery, a diner, and even a house of death. And archery. Some people say “meander.” I say “what's the rush?”

Night Warning 1983

This one is a doozy. Susan Tyrell gives one of the most bonkers performances I have ever seen. And Bo Svenson says some mean things. Do you love Newhart? Because this is nothing like that. Julia Duffy was never topless in Newhart. I don't think. Find this yesterday. It is crazy.

The Evictors 1979

My love for Charles B. Pierce grew two fold this year with the discovery of this and The Town that Dreaded Sundown. I think this one is my favorite of Chuck's '70s trilogy of horror films: The Legend of Boggy Creek, The Town that Dreaded Sundown, and this farmer slasher. Jessica Harper was in Suspiria and it's appropriate because on the color palate side of things this is the anti-Suspiria. All throat choking dusty browns here. Someone doesn't want Jessica and her husband living in their house. That someone is scary. I wish I was watching this right now.

To All a Goodnight 1980

Krug himself, Mr. David Hess, directs a slasher. A HOLIDAY themed slasher no less. That's important. We open with the requisite 'prank gone wrong' and then we curl up by the fire with Santa on the rampage, killing sorority girls. It's not Black Christmas, it's To All a Goodnight. There's a difference. The ending was a gift even with the dark VHS rip I watched. It needs a dvd release. Code Red? Scorpion Releasing?

The Dorm that Dripped Blood 1982

These people are not particularly good looking. But it doesn't matter because they get picked off while wandering around a dorm that is scheduled for demolition. They probably wander too much but where excessive meandering in The Prowler irritates me I don't mind it a bit in this one. Atmosphere, atmosphere, atmosphere. Power drills and Daphne Zuniga. Good times.

To Be Continued...

-Brad Hogue

The Horrors of Tera Melos

2012-01-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

This is Tera Melos. Dig?

This needs more gore clips (no, it has enough!):

Surprise ending:

This is just ??????:

Tor Johnson AND Freddy:

Hello! This is the Doomed Show #11 - The Ward & My Soul to Take

2012-01-05T07:00:00.009-05:00

My soul takes cake. What? Seriously? You'll find out! Brad and I talk about a Carpenter movie and then a Craven movie and then we rest. And then we talk some more. You can listen or download at Podomatic. Or you can just download the episode from Mediafire. And we might be on iTunes or whatever. I DON'T KNOW!

Edit: Oh wait, you can subscribe to us on iTunes. There's a button on the right of the Podomatic page. Subscribe and your iTunes will automatically download our show when we have a new episode. Did you already know that? You did! Well, now I feel stupid! But at least I am learning how iTunes works! Yay!

The Moviethon Vlog Episode #4: Special Giallo Announcement

2012-01-02T07:00:00.005-05:00

Twenty One One: End Of The Year Review

2012-01-01T07:00:00.038-05:00

Boy howdy, 2011 was a fucking terrible year in some respects (mostly personal) and totally awesome in other ways (mostly blogging). The year felt very long to me. There were lots of times where I was able to sit down, look at my watch, and go 'shit, what can I do now?'. Then I would tackle that little project and move on. I had a lot of fun and I hope you, dear reader, noticed some of the content I've been throwing your way. So happy new year to all you crazy kids. If you're just checking out this blog for the first time, please peruse some of the craziness. And just a warning, I have an announcement that I'll be making about the fate of Doomed Moviethon and Cinema Somnambulist in 2012 sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow.

Here are ten things that I'm super proud of from last year:

Doomed Discussiethon: Curse of the Headless Horseman

Rutger Hauer: Endgame

Hella - Concentration Face

Giallo Meltdown 5: Black Glove Outlet Mall

Wednesday Ramble: Clam of the Rape Bear

Doomed Discussiethon: Video Wars

Shepis'tol Whipped: An Interview with Tiffany Shepis

Slashers in the Night

Hello! This is the Doomed Show #10: Lucio Fulci Pt. 2 - The Golden Years

Franco Friday #4: Rites of Frankenstein

1976 EXTRAVAGANZA!!

2011-12-30T07:00:00.098-05:00

Whoa! An extravaganza? How does that happen? Well, I'll tell you! It happened that I watched a whole bunch of 1976 flicks and forgot to write about them. Okay, I didn't forget but I thought if I could do something important for the children of tomorrow. Shit, that isn't true either. Somebody's gotta kill this theme month and it might as well be me, duders. So here I am, dropping some last minute 76yness on ya!

I first heard about Breaking Point over at Bloody Pit of Rod and boy oh boy, I wish I hadn't. Apparently, big macho action movies weren't director Bob Clark's specialty. The film sports nearly constant logic problems, overacting from every member of the very irritating cast, and a layer of cheese so thick that the film is just freakin' ripe. The only things that work for Breaking Point are its excellent lighting and well staged action setpieces. Bo Svenson does get to kick a little ass but it's not enough to save this ultimately unsatisfying piece of dumb schlock. And I love schlock!

Every time I think I know what Mr. Brian De Palma has in store for me, I get totally suckered in and blown away. Notice that in that sentence there were the words "suck" and "blow"? Okay, don't notice that! I really thought I knew where Obsession was going but I'm glad I was wrong and I'm very glad to be giving De Palma more chances. You see, I think that several of his films are overrated. Sisters, Carrie, Blowout, and even Dressed to Kill have left me feeling empty and totally put off at one time or another. Obsession made me realize that I have the guy all wrong and need to reevaluate pretty much everything. This film is sumptuously filmed and even Cliff Robertson is good. One more thing: the score by Bernard Herrmann is astonishing, astounding, and awesomiffinizing!

Speaking of directors surprising me, I also checked out Roman Polanski's The Tenant. Much like my feelings on De Palma, I find that most of Polanski's films just don't do it for me. This grotesque piece of paranoia is very, very good. Even though one of those 100 Scariest Horror Movie Moments shows ruined the best surprise in this film for me, I still found a great deal to dig into with The Tenant. If phrases like "Kafka-esque" and "nightmarishly insane" describe your idea of fine entertainment, then check out this film immediately. Oh and it's funny too.

I had high hopes for Image of Death, an obscure Australian thriller. Other than the fact that I am obsessed with big-eyed Cathey Paine (Helter Skelter), I knew zilch about this film when the VHS arrived in my mailbox. And Cathey Paine is quite good in this probably made-for-TV flick but the script is awful. The writers insult their audience by explaining every single tiny nuance of the plot in great detail just to fill up its short running time. Instead of an unknown gem, I found a total dud that deserves to stay forgotten. In order to reach other markets, there are no Australians in this. Everyone has either an American or a British accent. Lame!

When a film like MASH mixes comedy with tragedy, it works perfectly. It's because Robert Altman is a demented genius. When a film like Mother, Jugs & Speed mixes comedy with tragedy, the viewer ends up despising the film. It's because it was directed by Peter Yates, the guy who directed Krull. There are some fun, un-politically correct, and tasteless times to be had here but this film thinks it's pretty fucking clever and it's not. Bill Cosby is awesome and Larry Hagman is sleazy. I'm not sure what else to say other than I do applaud the director for taking chances with the tonal shifts. Look for the super cute Toni Basil. Yup, she's in this one.

Director Mario Caiano delivers a pretty solid crime film with Milano Violenta. It's got the funky soundtrack, the bad dubbing, the brutal violence, the unlikable characters, and just about everything else one might expect from this sub-genre. Just a warning, the film does slow down in the middle quite a bit but makes up for it with some more ass kicking action near the end. There isn't much that separates Milano Violenta from the pack (other than some soft focus cinematography and a somewhat strange tone) but it's worth checking out.

When it comes to the phrase: "What the hell is this?", Crypt of Dark Secrets is especially special. This silly shit has some hilariously delivered and idiotic dialog and an EXTREMELY NAKED witch in it. Every scene is awkward and nearly every actor has sunstroke or malaria or something. Whatever, this movie is pure fun and is filled with totally crappy magic that must be seen to be believed. If you can stay awake through this 71 minute marvel, it's probably because you are laughing your ass off at it's inept genius.

1976: Helter Skelter

2011-12-25T07:00:00.045-05:00

Helter Skelter
Directed by Tom Gries
1976
Starring George DiCenzo, Steve Railsback, Nancy Wolfe, Marilyn Burns, Christina Hart, Cathey Paine

In 1969, America faced its greatest crisis: godless, dirty-faced, baby-makin' hippie scum were taking over the country. Their leader, Charles Manson AKA Jesus Christ, had risen to power by undermining good, strong United States of American values! In an unprecedented event, Manson and then president Richard Nixon, got oiled up and sparred for the first of many shirtless wrestling matches. Merry Christmas, everybody! Enjoy the screenshots!

There Are Other Years Besides 1976 (Apparently)

2011-12-20T07:00:00.002-05:00

Hey y'all, I have a wife. She was born in 1979.

Here are some of the films released in that year which I am grateful for.

1976: A Star is Born

2011-12-19T07:00:00.112-05:00

A Star is Born
Directed by Frank Pierson
1976
Barbra Streisand, Kris Kristofferson, Gary Busey, Oliver Clark, Venetta Fields, Clydie King
139 minutes

Kris Kristofferson plays Eric Clapton, a washed up rock and roll star playing to stadiums of disappointed fans every night. His roadie and bestest pal, Bobbie Ritchie (Gary Busey), keeps Eric all fucked up on coke and booze and the tour is going to shit. One night, Eric stumbles into a bar where he sees a woman performing some horrible fucking songs. The woman's name is Bette Midler and she's played by Barbra Streisand. Eric discovers Bette, seduces her and then gets her career started by forcing her to debut at a benefit for Native Americans. There's a joke there somewhere. How about this: "Haven't they suffered enough?"

Eric and Bette get married and they make love and stuff. She tries to get him to clean up his act. Oh shit, I forgot the motorcycle thing. Eric gets shitfaced at a stadium gig and drives a motorcycle off the stage. It's pretty funny. Anyway, after Bette becomes a bigger star than Eric, he gets all jealous and stuff. Then he fucks a groupie -well, not really; he was too drunk to get it up -and Bette smacks him and bites his lip. Then he dies in a car accident and she stages a concert in his honor. Or whatever. Hey, Robert Englund is in this!

I first encountered A Star is Born when I was a kid. My parents rented it when it came out on VHS. While it was playing on our old TV, my parents took out sharp knives and stabbed me repeatedly while it was playing. Worse than that, my mom owned a copy of the soundtrack on LP. And I remember very, very well that a naked Barbra and a naked Kristofferson holding each other was about the least sexy thing ever.

The first thing you learn from A Star is Born is that all fans of rock and roll music are idiots, the lowest common denominator. Scum. Okay, we've got that out of the way. Next thing you learn is that fans of motion pictures are even lower than rock fans. The fact that this shitbag pus-spewing visual rape was the second highest grossing film of the year in 1976 -THE YEAR I WAS BORN!- is baffling. Forget disco and bell bottom jeans, this is why the seventies sucked.

One of the worst aspects of the film, and I'm not joking here, is Barbra Streisand's dang afro perm thingie. She seriously looks like Barry Manilow. And when you have a love scene where one person looks like Barry Manilow and the other person looks a lot like Kris Kristofferson because it happens to be Kris Kristofferson, well... It could be like the worst gay celebrity fan fiction ever written. But other than that very rare instance, it's just ugly.

When Gary Busey is the voice of reason in a film, shit just got real, know what I'm sayin'? He provides Kristofferson with lots of coke but never takes any himself. What a freakin' prick! If you're at a concert and Busey offers you something he won't snort, smack it out of his hand! Smack it and run like a motherfucker! Jeez, how many frowning faces can I draw on these notes I'm taking?

Here's a deleted scene:

Barbra Streisand and rock and roll go together like those two great tastes... What were they? Oh yeah, peanut butter and kerosene. The songs are excruciating. And not just Streisand's shite either. The garbage they wrote for Kristofferson is just that. If this had been meant to be a fun, light movie where it was all tongue in cheek or whatever, I would feel awfully silly complaining about it. But no, this shit is meant to be straight and good. More cocaine anyone?

Here are some lyrics for you:

I want to learn what I life is for
I don't want much, I just want more

and later:

Love; soft as an easy chair
Love; fresh as the morning air

This is a musical, damn it! The songs are SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING GOOD! The whole songwriting process and then the recording process scenes are total crap. Everything is insanely awkward and just painful to sit through. But I would pay $80 million to get those scenes back after not one but two horseback riding scenes and then the bathtub scene. Seeing Barbra put makeup on Kris in the bathtub is pure unadulterated cinematic agony.

So anyway, I did this little equation:

B-A-R-B-R-A S-T-R-E-I-S-A-N-D = 19 LETTERS
19 DIVIDED BY 3 = 6
666 = SATAN!

Don't believe me? Check this out: The last 10 minutes of this movie is Streisand singing. One camera. On her. For the rest of the movie. One fucking shot. SHIT! SHIIIIIIT! A Star is Born is fucking terrible and easily one of the most astonishingly painful movies I've ever sat through. But then again, I'd rather watch this again than watch Rocky ever again. There are some things that are just too horrible to contemplate.

"Layluhhhhh!"

Heh heh. Death rock.

"Then the Cadillac, it puttered back into the graveyard!"

"In your face Petey Frampton!"

"Track marks."

Barry Manilow stuns another audience.

This pushed Superman back to '78.

Barry. Fucking. Manilow.

The Sounds Of 1976

2011-12-16T07:00:00.003-05:00

Crank this shit up, duders!

L@@K AT ME! AND BR@D! WE INVADE BLOGGINZ!

2011-12-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

Brad and I are not content with ruining just this blog!

Check out our duo post on Aaron's The Death Rattle.

Wednesday Ramble: Pimpin' Ain't Not Isn't Easy

2011-12-14T07:00:00.094-05:00

I have watched Taxi Driver countless times. I don't relate to the film other than I used to work nights and I have caused a public scene over a girl before. (There was less bloodshed but more abstract humiliation. But that's another story.) One of my best cinematic memories is catching an old beat up print of Taxi Driver at a midnight screening back in 1998. Talk about revelatory. I was sitting there in a real theater with my friend Mike Fusco, watching a film from my birth year, and seeing scenes that I swear weren't on my VHS dub. Of course, there wasn't anything actually different in the print, I was just overwhelmed by the experience and noticing details that a full frame VHS copy just can't express.

One scene that struck me as odd is when Sport The Pimp AKA Matthew (played by Harvey Keitel) is convincing Iris The Underage Ho (Jodie Foster) not to leave him. He puts on some nauseating love-jazz record and sweet talks her into submission. Ew ugh blargh. Aside from being insanely disturbing, the scene feels almost unnecessary to me. Who is this scene for? Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore fans? I guess there had to be SOMETHING to show what hold he had over Iris.

If you think about it, I guess any scene that doesn't involve Travis Bickle (played by Robert De Niro) is kind of pointless. We get to see Albert Brooks and Cybil Shepherd goofing around but I'm wondering if the movie be better if we only ever saw things from Bickle's perspective. But then again, maybe we need some normalcy when the whole fucking world is totally nuts.

I guess that I'm kind of talking myself into accepting the Sport/Iris scene. We see many sides of Iris. We see the streetwalker persona which is probably one of the most freakish things ever committed to film due to Foster's young age. The fact that Sport is charging $15 for 15 minutes and $25 for half an hour is ludicrous. Maybe the economy really was that bad but come on! Those are just insultingly low prices.

Later we see her funny, relaxed side in the diner scene with Bickle. Like OMG, she's a real kid! Next, we see her "my universe is crumbling" face when Bickle confronts her about getting out of the prostitute biz in the same diner scene. Then Sport talks her down and we see something important which I'll get to in a moment. And lastly, we see the shit-scared and most human of all: the "Iris sees some scumbag's head blown off and feels bad about it" face.

So what's important about Iris and Sport's "tender" scene is seeing the pure rapture on Iris's face when she's in her pimp's arms. The guy is clearly a sophisticated manipulator who has this poor girl wrapped around his demonic finger (with Satan's Harelip #666 Nail Polish). I guess this hook could have been expressed in some other way but the scene works. We see that Iris is a human being in the ultra-wrong place at the supremely wrong time. Tell Scorsese he can leave it in there.

In remembrance of Sport The Pimp AKA Matthew. 19??-1976

1976? Nope, It's 1981 Birth Year Guest Blog!

2011-12-13T07:00:00.014-05:00

As some of you may know, 1976 isn't year round all the time because sometimes it's a different year. Aaron from the totally awesome and insanely superior to all other blogs, The Death Rattle, is here to let us wallow in his afterbirth for today. That's right, Aaron was born in 1981 which makes him way older than me. Take it away, duder.

Not to brag or anything, but 1981 was a pretty awesome year for movies. On the other hand, being born in 1981 makes me an old fuck. 1) I decided to go with my favorite genre films from my birth year as opposed to favorite overall films, 2) Richard is gonna hate me for not including HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY, and 3) I went from putting together a top five to submitting a top six list, simply because I couldn't bring myself to leave out...

#6 THE EVIL DEAD - One of the best indie DIY horror films ever made. EVIL DEAD II understandably gets all the love for essentially being a more solid, entertaining version of the first film, but I really admire the first EVIL DEAD because of how absurd and gory it is. I've said it plenty of times before and I'll say it again: EVIL DEAD is so gory, even the fucking house bleeds.

#5 AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON - It's still amazing to me that two of the most important werewolf films next to Universal's WOLF MAN were released the same year: John Landis's AMERICAN WEREWOLF and Joe Dante's THE HOWLING. For years THE HOWLING has always been my favorite of the two because it's the one that reminds me the most of my childhood; it was one of the first movies to scare the shit out of me, and I have more of a nostalgic attachment to it. As the years go by, however, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that AMERICAN WEREWOLF is the more superior of the two.

#4 ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK - John Carpenter in his prime. When watching a classic such as ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, it's easy to forget that Carpenter made one of the greatest slashers ever made just a couple of years earlier and would go on to make an essential creature feature only one year later. There's not much to say about this film that hasn't already be said, but to me it epitomizes what an action-adventure film should be. It also features one of my favortie Kurt Russell performances for obvious reasons.

#3 FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 - The FRIDAY THE 13TH series is my favorite horror franchise of all time, and the second installment of the series always has been and always will be my favorite of the bunch. My love for this film is deeper than just how much it entertains me; it's one of the films that kept pulling me back in and reminding me how much I love the horror genre in general at times in my life when I didn't really have a particular interest in films. Other than that, I'm just a huge fan of 80's slasher movies, and I firmly believe that this film is one of the more solid examples of the sub-genre.

#2 MS. 45 - Far and away my favorite Abel Ferrara film and one of my favorite rape-revenge films as well. Ferrara is a director who, to me, has always been one of the best when it comes to capturing the essence of scummy pre-Giuliani NYC on celluloid, and MS. 45 is one of his best examples of this. Actress Zoe Lund (who also wrote the screenplay for Ferrara's BAD LIEUTENANT before dying of a drug overdose at a young age) is absolutely stellar as a mute young woman who's raped not once but twice in a single day, and, as a result, leads a double life as seamstress by day and man-hating vigilante by night. I can't think of a lot of negative things to say about this movie; it's a quick, breezy film with a fun 80's sax score, a subtle, dark humor, and, most importantly, it's a great snapshot of a bygone era in one of cinema's greatest cities.

#1 MAD MAX 2: THE ROAD WARRIOR - Yep, the Ayatollah of Rock n' Rolla, the quintessential post-apocalypse movie, so on and so forth. Quite simply, one of the best (and most homoerotic) action-adventure movies ever made. Nothing more needs to be said about this one.

1976: Films Released On My Dang Birthday

2011-12-12T07:00:00.010-05:00

I'm thinking August 4th was a lousy day for the film industry.

1976: Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde

2011-12-09T07:00:00.075-05:00

Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde
Directed by William Crain
1976
Starring Bernie Casey, Rosalind Cash, Marie O'Henry, Ji-Tu Cumbuka, Milt Cogan, Stu Gilliam
87 minutes

Dr. Henry Pride (played by Bernie Casey) is a kindly physician working at a hospital in a poor neighborhood. He is always turning down the advances of Linda (Marie O'Henry), an attractive prostitute with liver problems. With his lovely associate, Dr. Billie Worth (Rosalind Cash), Dr. Pride is working on an experimental drug to cure liver disease. He notices that it turns black rats into white rats. Another side effect is that the white rats turn evil and kill all the black rats. After several failures with lab animals, Dr. Pride realizes he needs a human test subject. After testing it on a dying patient with less than stellar results, the good doctor uses himself as a guinea pig.

After his "miracle drug" turns him into a big white creature filled with rage, Pride's evil side pursues Linda but she is terrified of him. The next day, when the effects have subsided and Dr. Pride is black to normal again, he reveals to Linda that he needs her to be a test subject for his drug. She declines but he tells her that refusal is not an option. Linda just barely escapes but others are not so lucky. Dead hookers begin showing up all over town.

Director William Crain (Blacula) takes some trashy and hilarious material and transforms it into something trashy and hilarious. Composer Johnny Pate keeps things funky and awesome. The script is filled with all types of ludicrously corny pimps, hookers, and drug dealers. It's also got lots of cursing, melodrama, violence, and jive talkin' that makes the blaxploitation genre so magical. But at the heart of it all, the story is a timeless one: a man with a hole in his heart uses modern science (and killing hookers) to fill that hole and comedy ensues.

There might be a message to this film but whatever it is, it's so heavy-handed that it's laughable. When Linda tells Dr. Pride that he isn't black enough, I just wanted to climb into a hole and die. The more he becomes like his evil white self, the more painful the story gets. An antidote to this schlock is my favorite character: Lt. Jackson, played by Ji-Tu Cumbuka. He's a super-cool detective who uses big words like "insalubrious" and cuts a very imposing swath through the neighborhood.

Despite its "white people are evil" vibe, which I don't take personally (because I happen to be a pretty righteous dude) or very seriously, I really love Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde. Bernie Casey really goes wild as Mr. Hyde. My favorite moment in the film is when Dr. Pride -in Mr. Hyde mode, of course- throws a hooker across a parking lot and then runs over her with his Rolls Royce. You should definitely check out this crazy flick, it's a wild and entertaining monster romp for the ages. Okay, maybe just one age: the sweet, sweet 70s.

Quotes

"Splittin' already, Gwen baby?"

"I gotta call my mama, motherfucker."

"Yeah well, when you see her tell her she knows where to send the money."

----

"Well, you know if it had been the regular bit, like a murder, shooting, stabbing, beating -then we could understand it and have the proclivity to solve it. But this little lady has had her neck crushed like in a vice; meaning somebody has put some shit into the game. You know what I mean?"

1976: The Mysterious Monsters

2011-12-08T07:00:00.071-05:00

The Mysterious Monsters
Directed by Robert Guenette
1976
Peter Graves, Peter Hurkos, William Stenberg, Sidney Walter, Jerilou Whelchel
91 minutes

Peter Graves narrates this delightfully clunky documentary on creatures unknown such as Bigfoot and The Loch Ness Monster. There are interviews with eyewitnesses, actors pretending to be eyewitnesses, researchers, and actors pretending to be researchers. Man oh man, 70s people were batshit crazy for legendary beasts! The Mysterious Monsters is incredibly entertaining and captured my imagination when I saw it myself in the 80s. It was impossible for my kid-brain to distinguish between the "real" footage and the reenactments. Today, I love how this film provides "irrefutable" evidence of the existence of these monsters. Shit man, there is so much conjecture and not-so-subtle manipulation of footage going on that it is impossible not to get a kick out of The Mysterious Monsters. Despite some fun chills and effective moments, I remain skeptical. Oh, not of the Yeti. I believe in that! I remain skeptical that Graves didn't desperately need a paycheck.

"Now, I have something inside this case that I want to know something more about. Can you psychometrize what's in here without ever having seen it and tell me something about it? Anything?"

"I- I will try."

This film is currently on Youtube in its entirety. Enjoy!

NOT 1976: Hello! This is the Doomed Show Episode 10

2011-12-07T07:00:00.010-05:00

Oh darn, I had to take a little break from all this 76ness to let you know that Hello! This is the Doomed Show has finally reached their 100th episode! Haters gonna hate! What? Oh shit. This is only the 10th episode. Fuck! Well... Anyway, Brad and Richard discuss FOR 4 HOURS the films that they feel encompass Lucio Fulci's "Golden Era". Listennnnnnnnn! Please.

You can listen or download right here!

Download from Mediafire here!

Check out the episode archive here!

1976: The Premonition

2011-12-06T07:00:00.095-05:00

The Premonition
Directed by Robert Allen Schnitzer
1976
Starring Sharon Farrell, Edward Bell, Danielle Brisebois, Ellen Barber, Richard Lynch, Chitra Neogy, Jeff Corey
94 minutes

Andrea Fletcher (played by Ellen Barber) is a lunatic who travels with the carnival to look for the daughter she was forced to give up for adoption. She enlists Jude (Richard Lynch), an unbalanced mime (yes, you read that right), to help her accomplish her goals. Her daughter Janie (Danielle Brisebois) has been living with her new parents, Sheri and Miles (Sharon Farrell and Edward Bell), unaware that she's the progeny of a total nutburger. Andrea and Jude's first attempt to kidnap Janie go awry but it does establish a psychic connection between Sheri and Andrea. And this is the start of all kinds of paranormal bullshit and whatnot. All you need to know is that it all ends in an impromptu supernatural electric piano concert.

Well, this is... different. And I don't mean different good, I mean different bad. I had high hopes for The Premonition especially after the opening sequence with Richard Lynch in ballet slippers practicing his mime routine. That is sort of the highpoint of the film, I'm afraid. I did like the score by Henry Mollicone. Wait, what? That is seriously that dude's name? Thankfully, the cast are real people with real names. Lynch and Barber have some great scenes together. I liked Chitra Neogy and wish she had done more movies. Her burgeoning almost-romance with Edward Bell's character is good stuff. Character actor Jeff Corey steals every scene he's in as the befuddled detective.

A great cast, offbeat direction, and good camerawork just can't help the obvious and pretentious script. I will give The Premonition a little credit for its eccentricity and quirkiness but I barely got through this one. Okay, I didn't make it. I fell asleep but I did go back and pick up what I missed. On paper, this all sounds great but the more I think about this film afterwards, the more I just don't like it. Who knows? I usually like films that deliver the weirdness and the corny dialog but The Premonition left me stuck under the Ferris wheel. I should probably point out that I do think this film is worth checking out. I am sure that it will strike a chord (hey o!) with some adventurous viewers.

"This is just my gay job."

"Ra cha cha, muthafucka!"

Actors reacting to the dailies.

"At least I'm better than Tori Amos!"

1976: Chinese Roulette

2011-12-05T07:00:00.149-05:00

Chinese Roulette
Directed by Rainer Werner Fassbinder
1976
Starring Anna Karina, Margit Carstensen, Brigitte Mira, Ulli Lommel, Alexander Allerson, Volka Spengler, Andrea Schober, Macha Meril
82 minutes

Angela Christ (played by Andrea Schober) is an unhappy little girl. She believes that her parents don't love her because she is handicapped. Unfortunately, Angela is also incredibly intelligent and is bent on making her family pay by manipulating them at every opportunity. Her mother, Ariane (Margit Carstensen), suffers the most and is at her wits' end. When Angela arranges a little party for everyone at the family mansion and suggests a game of Chinese Roulette (a psychological guessing game), tensions rise and everything goes straight to hell. Along for the ride are Angela's father, his mistress, his mother's boytoy, and Angela's "friends" (who are actually servants): Taunitz (Macha Meril), a mute, and Gabriel (Volker Spengler), a pretentious writer. Oh boy, this isn't going to be pretty.

Chinese Roulette is almost exactly what I thought it was going to be like. A name as heavy as Rainer Werner Fassbinder of the New German Cinema meant only one thing to me: obtuse. I had a feeling that I was just going to stare at the screen blankly until it was over and then throw my TV across the room. The film is so deadpan in its delivery that if one was looking for a parody of German arthouse cinema -well, here it is. But what saves Chinese Roulette, for me anyway, is an impeccable cast playing a handful of fucked up characters and tons of style. There is also Fassbinder's ability to communicate a mood to the audience that is so tense and so dark that the animosity practically drips off the screen.

Peer Raben's score is a wicked combination of brooding composing and discordant electronics. That beautiful score and the electric and dangerous cinematography of Michael Ballhaus are my favorite aspects of this cruel gem. The camera never misses a meaningful glance (of which there are many) and will sometimes move very purposefully, sometimes even jarringly, to meet every whim of the director. As I mentioned before, everyone in Chinese Roulette is superb. Frequent Fassbinder regular Carstensen is excellent here and Euro horror fans will no doubt recognize Macha Meril of Deep Red and Night Train Murders.

Entertainment value? Well, that's a tough one. Chinese Roulette requires all of your patience and your full attention. Light it is not. I got confused as to the rules of the game (the film's namesake) so I was totally lost until the end when I went back and re-watched the scene where the rules were explained. So yeah, the film is a lot of work for the viewer but if you're into it for the bleak atmosphere and the horror of human beings psychologically destroying each other, you'll love this film. Even though I am not a fan just yet (and frankly, I might not be) I am already looking into Fassbinder's other films.

SPOILERS

So is Angela right in torturing her parents? It seems to me at the beginning of the film that her mother is making an effort to love her daughter whom she doesn't understand. Infidelity is the key, of course. The fact that both her father AND her mother have taken lovers shouldn't really mean anything, right? But it does, it does! When it's revealed that both parents started cheating during tragic moments in Angela's life, it's hard not to see her side. Oh, boo fucking hoo! You're parents wanna get laid! It doesn't mean you should turn into a suicidal dickhead. Angela manipulates her own mother into nearly blowing her head off. She figures the guilt will be the ultimate punishment. Mom wrecks that shit by shooting Angela's best friend in the throat. Hilarious! And then there's that final gunshot... Hm... Is that Angela offing herself? I'd like to think so! But that is what's so great about Chinese Roulette, that open ending provides us with many, many possibilities of interpretation. Woo hoo!

1976: The Town That Dreaded Sundown

2011-12-02T07:00:00.013-05:00

The Town That Dreaded Sundown
Directed by Charles B. Pierce
1976
Ben Johnson, Andrew Prine, Dawn Wells, Jimmy Clem, Jimmy Citty, Charles B. Pierce
86 minutes

In 1946, the police of Texarkana, Arkansas are baffled by a rash of brutal attacks committed by a mysterious man in a hood. Luckily, the first two victims survive their ordeal but it isn't long before the brutality of the crimes increases and people start turning up dead. Captain J.D. Morales (played by Ben Johnson), a Texas Ranger known for always getting his man, is called in to help the local sheriff (Andrew Prine) capture or kill the evil bastard.

Thanks to the insistence of my friend Brad, I am finally dipping my toes into the world of Charles B. Pierce. I started with the excellent Legend of Boggy Creek and then moved on to this little almost forgotten gem. Mr. Pierce's strongest asset is his constant attempt to create films that are both documentary and fiction. I thought this was a loose version of the Zodiac Killer story but The Town That Dreaded Sundown is based on a real case in Texarkana. The true crime business adds an extra layer of chill onto an already creepy film. The excellent score by Jaime Mendoza-Nava is also a plus.

There are shifts in tone in this film that could and most likely have thrown some people off. There are some comic moments of hillbilly slapstick which were probably meant to unsettle the viewer so that when the really shocking sequences come, they'd be that much darker. I've seen this method fail miserably in other films like the comedy cops from Last House on the Left but in Town That Dreaded Sundown, it all works.

The cast is a mix of B movie folks and non-professionals. The most surprising casting choice comes in the form of Dawn Wells of Gilligan's Island fame. It is just mind-boggling to see "Mary-Ann" menaced by a psychopath. Apparently, she was in The Legend of Boggy Creek but shame on me for not spotting her. (EDIT: She was in Return to Boggy Creek. Duh!) Ben Johnson is very good as usual. He and Andrew Prine try to out-cool each other during their scenes.

So all in all, I'd say The Town That Dreaded Sundown is a tight little film. The fact this has been hard to find for so long is unfortunate because I'm sure a lot of folks expecting a different kind of film will say this is overrated. Don't let the hokey narration (which I love!) and some less than stellar performances from non-actors throw you. This one is worth sticking with to the end. Any film that features a killer in a white hood assaulting a victim with a trombone is worth checking out in my book.

MISSION STATEMENT: The 76th Of December

2011-12-01T07:00:00.017-05:00

I implore you, dear reader, to look up the films that were in theaters or (if you were born in the 80s or 90s) released on video the year that you were born. Why? Because it is fun as heck! I am more than happy to have been born in 1976 because the films are pretty damn weird. They're sleazy, innocent, terrible, and brilliant. A couple of years ago, I staged the Spirit of '76 Moviethon and it was a horribly rousing success. What I discovered was that the films of 1976 are as unique and strange as anything released in what I used to think were more interesting cinematic years like 1978 or 1981.

Now that I have decided to not limit myself to just the horror genre, I think this month will be very special. I am going to be looking at horror, of course, but also kung-fu, arthouse, blaxploitation, action, comedy, and even some Hollywood nonsense. My plan is to spend as much time on films I've never seen before but I might examine some old favorites. The whole idea is just to get a taste of what was out there when I came into this dang world. I'll never get to everything but I'll have a blast doing trying. At least I hope I will.

I am going to try to stay within my own rules but you know I am a sleazy slacker. There were tons of films in theaters in 1976 and it's not exactly easy to say when something was released or whether or not it was just carried over. So I am trying to find exactly WHEN a film was either released or premiered at a festival. As far as when films were made, well that's another pain in the ass. I've seen films released in 1976 that were actually shot in 1971 or sometimes even earlier. Good old Wikipedia helps tremendously. Anyway, I will try not to let you down.

So please come and join me once again for yet another round of films from that magical year. All December long, I'll be inundating myself with bell-bottomed radness. I can't promise that all of the films will be good but I swear they will be bizarre or at the very least, disturbingly mundane. Argh! Fucking theme months!

1976 Reviews

He Made Me Do It:: The Howling vs. Rio Bravo

2011-11-23T07:00:00.036-05:00

This is He Made Me Do It.

This is a movie challenge featuring Brad and Richard choosing movies for each other to watch.

This could get ugly.

Round 4

Richard: You need to see The Howling. It is imperative! There are two kinds of people in this world: 1) An American Werewolf in London people and 2) The Howling people; and there can be no in between (okay, I guess this is debatable). I am of the latter half and I want you to join our ranks. The Howling is creepy, cheesy, freaky, and is filmed much more beautifully than most people give it credit for. It also comes from 1981, that mythical, magical year when cinema was truly balls-to-the-wall awesome.

Brad: I have tried a few times over the years to see this but when I get to the scenic retreat I always lose interest. Not this time. First off let me say that I do like (not love) An American Werewolf In London. The British countryside opening and the pub scene are fantastic, Jenny Agutter is sexy, and the make up is amazing. But for some reason it doesn't grab me like it should. The opening of The Howling I like quite a bit with it's DePalmaish early 80's sex thriller feel. All bets are off once Dee enters the sex booth. Speaking of Dee and her husband Christopher Stone, they always remind me of Christopher and Susan George, another married horror couple, and that is a good thing. The secondary couple is good in this as well and you are absolutely correct in that it is a underratedly, beautifully shot film. Any scene of the fog filled forest is amazing. It has my favorite kind of werewolf makeup, the kind that is horrifying in it's Muppetness. 1981 was possibly the greatest year for North American horror (certainly werewolves) and Dante does a fantastic job, and the John Sayles script is full of nice winks at fans but not too jokey. So in the end as I weigh the two werewolf films I find that The Howling tips the scale in it's favor. Send me a The Howling Fan Club Membership Card and I'll sign it. See you at the meetings!

Brad: You should watch Rio Bravo because it plays into a lot of John Carpenter's catalog. Dean Martin was never better, Ricky Nelson is nonchalantly cool, Walter Brennan is hilarious, and Angie Dickenson is ubersexy.

Richard: This is a testament to our friendship, duder. I can't believe you of all people would give me an assignment featuring THE DUKE. For the record, I cannot fucking stand John Wayne. Of all the actors from Hollywood's golden age that just do not compute in my feeble cinematic brain, it is this joker. But, much to my surprise, I really enjoyed Rio Bravo. It is a very entertaining film and totally different than what I had imagined. Dean Martin steals the movie showing his character go through an amazingly painful transformation from a drunken lout to a hero. And Ricky Nelson is too cool for school. Holy crap. Angie Dickinson was very good but seeing her fall for Wayne's character just took me out of the movie. I really enjoyed how Rio Bravo ended on a much different note than I predicted it would and damn, it is just so frickin' well made. I definitely see how this film influenced Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13.

The Moviethon Vlog Episode #3: VHS Haul

2011-11-19T15:43:00.002-05:00

He Made Me Do It: Top Hat and Brutal Massacre: A Comedy

2011-11-16T07:00:00.042-05:00

This is He Made Me Do It.

This is a movie challenge featuring Brad and Richard choosing movies for each other to watch.

This could get ugly.

Round 3

Richard: Like you, I was not a fan of musicals. The whole concept of song and dance numbers in movies used to piss me off. Luckily, my wife showed me that there are good musicals out there. Top Hat was the first Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers film that I saw and I have yet to find one of their collaborations that I love more. (Don't listen to the fans who claim that Swing Time is the best because it's only okay AND it has a cringe inducing black-face number that ruins everything.) Just one thing I hope you'll find in the Astaire/Rogers movies is the surreality of it all: the clunky parts of the plot and the bizarre setpieces that are there literally just so there can be another excuse to dance and sing. And damn it, Top Hat just makes me happy! That's entertainment.

Brad: If you are trying to trick me into liking musicals, it is working. I love the balance between the songs and dances and the screwball comedy. Fred Astaire is a much better actor than I thought he was, very charming. Ginger is quite the looker too! The supporting players are top notch as well, the valet in particular was hilarious. Taken in as small booster shots, I can see rethinking some of the musical genre. Thanks!

Brad: You need to see Brutal Massacre: A Comedy because it is the Christopher Guest style mockumentary for horror films. It has quite a few horror film icons, Ken Foree steals the show and David Naughton proves he was no one trick werewolf. I dare you to not laugh.

Richard: Talk about an easy sell. A dark comedy about an independent horror movie production spinning out of control? Count me in. I vaguely remember hearing about this movie a few years ago and being excited about it. Of course, it slipped into my vaguest of half-remembered movie queues and I was glad you encouraged me to check it out. This movie is often very funny and I found it charming even when it wasn't. The pacing is a little off and I was ready for Brutal Massacre to be over before the running time was up. Other than that though, I really dug this movie.

December Is Coming But What Does That Mean?

2011-11-15T09:36:00.000-05:00

I am going to be back in a big way in December. My magical time machine is broken and it can only go back to one year. One. Magical. Motherfucka. You think you're ready? I know you are. Take off your pants and what do you find? Bell-bottom jeans! You were wearing them the whole time!

Fishing For Content

2011-11-11T11:42:00.003-05:00

I thought I would plagiarize myself for some November content. Over at Facebook, I did that 30 Day Movie Challenge dealie and here's what I came up with.

Day 1: Favorite film - House by the Cemetery
Day 2: Least favorite film - Clifford
Day 3: Favorite comedy - The God of Cookery
Day 4: Favorite drama - Rumble Fish
Day 5: Favorite action- Meals on Wheels
Day 6: Favorite horror - Evil Dead
Day 7: Favorite animated feature - Uruesai Yatsura 2
Day 8: Favorite thriller - Kiss Me Deadly
Day 9: Favorite musical - Top Hat
Day 10: Favorite foreign film - Cemetery Man AKA Dellamorte Dellamore
Day 11: Favorite kid's movie - My Neighbor Totoro
Day 12: Favorite love story - The Awful Truth
Day 13: Favorite chick flick - Sense and Sensibility
Day 14: Favorite documentary - Cocaine Cowboys
Day 15: Favorite play adaptation - Arsenic and Old Lace
Day 16: Favorite book adaptation - Steppenwolf
Day 17: Least favorite book adaptation - Tropic of Cancer
Day 18: Film that is your guilty pleasure - Freddy Got Fingered
Day 19: Film that made you cry the hardest - Breaking the Waves
Day 20: Movie with your favorite actress - Red Hot And Blue
Day 21: Movie with your favorite actor - Last Tango in Paris
Day 22: Movie you wish you could live in - Tricky Brains
Day 23: Movie that inspires you - A Thousand Clowns
Day 24: Movie with your favorite soundtrack - Profondo Rosso
Day 25: Movie with the most beautiful scenery - Dark City
Day 26: Movie you're most embarrassed to say you like - Ernest Goes to Jail
Day 27: Movie with your favorite villain - Zorro The Gay Blade
Day 28: Movie with your favorite hero - Sabata
Day 29: First movie you ever remember watching - Popeye
Day 30: Last movie you watched - More Brains! A Return To The Living Dead

He Made Me Do It: The Heroic Trio & Foreign Correspondent

2011-11-09T07:00:00.010-05:00

This is He Made Me Do It.

This is a movie challenge featuring Brad and Richard choosing movies for each other to watch.

This could get ugly.

Round 2

Richard: I believe that The Heroic Trio is one of the best action sci-fi horror drama fantasy films to come out of Hong Kong. It's got the lovely ladies that make up the trio: Michelle Yeoh, Maggie Cheung, and Anita Mui, kicking some serious ass and delivering the melodrama at 1500 feet per second. The film also features the inimitable Anthony Wong as the mute killer Kau. I consider this film essential viewing for anyone interested in the wild side of Asian cinema. You need to witness this batshit insane film spectacle because I think you will friggin' love it, duder.

Brad: I was blown away by this! The ladies are lovely and the action is insane and it is adept at mixing action, horror, and fantasy. It shows that Hong Kong is still ahead of Western cinema in terms of originality. I'm glad you pressed me to watch it. How hot is Michelle Yeoh?

Richard: Michelle Yeoh is so hot that she makes volcanoes jealous!

Brad: I think you should watch Foreign Correspondent because it is one of my favorite Hitchcock films. Because everyone loves Scott Ffoliott. Because Santa Claus is an assassin. Because Herbert Marshall is suave and debonair. Because if you ever change your name, I insist it's to Huntley Haverstock.

Richard: You are too cruel. You know that I am NOT a Hitchcock fan and yet you torture me with him. And I gotta tell ya, for the first 22 minutes or so (the intentionally droll setup of the story), I thought you were just fucking with me. Then the style kicks in, someone gets shot in the face, and it's all uphill from there. I found Foreign Correspondent to be truly masterful filmmaking in both style and entertainment. Am I a Hitchcock fan now? Hell no. But I am starting to see what all the fuss is about.

Something to Hide

2011-11-08T07:00:00.092-05:00

I am always willing to give films from 1976 (my birth year) a chance and once again, I'm glad I did.

Something to Hide
AKA Shattered
Directed by Alastair Reid
1976
Starring Peter Finch, Shelly Winters, Colin Blakely, John Stride, Linda Hayden
92 minutes

A drunken married couple, Harry and Gabriella (Peter Finch and Shelly Winters), are truly miserable together. Harry's big dreams have fallen flat and Gabriella is still bitter about giving up her stage career for marriage 26 years ago. One Christmas Eve, she leaves him. Left alone, Harry takes to the bottle even harder and is on thin ice with his boss. He continually skips going to the office in order to pick his wife up from the airport but she never shows. One afternoon, he picks up a young and very pregnant hitchhiker named Lorelai (Linda Hayden) and brings her home. She is a manipulative little parasite who worms her way into Harry's life and things quickly spiral out of control.

Something to Hide is a very dark, off beat, and melodramatic sleeper full of tension and a sense of terrible dread. The title song "How Can We Run Away" by Buddy Greco is as cheesy as it is perfectly ominous. Shelly Winters is completely obnoxious (but her part is little more than an extended cameo) and Peter Finch is excellent. Beauty Linda Hayden (Taste the Blood of Dracula) is made up to be so awful and unappealing in this movie that she's hard to look at. This film definitely won't restore your faith in humanity or give you a spring in your step but it's definitely worth a look. I don't think the writer likes women very much and you won't believe the freakin' ending!

"Goddamn vegetarian creep!"

The trailer is full of SPOILERS, watch at your own risk:

Hello! This is the Doomed Show - Episode 9: The Haunting Of Julia

2011-11-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

I tried to have this episode out before Halloween but the universe interceded and it's just going up now. Brad and I discuss the excellent film, The Haunting of Julia, for what feels like an hour and 45 minutes. Oh wait, that's just how long we talk about it. We also give some favorite Halloween viewings we like to do every year to, you know, put us in the mood. And you'll be riveted or just plain disappointed by my tenuous connection to horror novelist Peter Straub. So... Listen or download here at Podomatic. Or download here at Mediafire.

Twisty Chris And The Puddin' Packs

2011-11-04T07:00:00.003-04:00

(That's me on the far right as the crazy doctor failing musically.)

I've been playing in a band a long time but it took a new band, Twisty Chris And The Puddin' Packs, before I could cross two important milestones off my musical list. 1. Play a house party and 2. Play a Halloween party. On October 29th this year, I did both of those things! I also played keyboards in Twisty Chris which I've never done before. So yeah, here's a sample. At 2:18 you can see/hear/feel me hump the keyboard.

Terrible Splatter From My Youth: The Uninvited

2011-11-03T07:00:00.000-04:00

No, it isn't that The Uninvited.

Nope, it isn't that one either.

Actually, it's this one.

For some reason, I have a vague idea that my mom rented The Uninvited for me when it was on the New Releases shelf at Blockbuster video. During those magical days, I often rummaged through the horror section on my own while my mom killed the new stuff. I could be wrong though. In fact, I can't remember exactly when I first caught this one. It could have been as late as 1990 for all I know. Anyway, this paragraph is really boring.

What I remembered about this movie:

There is some disgusting inflating and deflating bladder effects with lots of blood squirting around in The Uninvited. I also remember getting a little nauseous when the creature kept popping of the cat's mouth like a demented hairball and more than a little freaked out that a scratch from its claws would make your veins explode. I also remember George Kennedly obesely running around the boat a lot.

What I didn't remember about this movie:

Alex Cord, of The Dead Are Alive and an amazing episode of Murder She Wrote, also stars in this one. He really hones his craft in this movie. And by 'hones', I mean 'gesticulates wildly' and by 'craft' I mean 'having an aneurism'. Strangely enough, it is the cat that gives the best performance in this film.

He Made Me Do It: Cry_Wolf & The Road Warrior

2011-11-02T07:00:00.029-04:00

This is He Made Me Do It.

This is a movie challenge featuring Brad and Richard choosing movies for each other to watch.

This could get ugly.

Round 1

Brad: I want you to see Cry_Wolf because it is underrated. Had it been made in 1982 it would be talked about more often. It is a teen slasher and I know how much you like them like I do. It is better in my opinion than a lot of the remakes lately and the killer looks like the killer in Sergio Martino's Torso.

Richard: Getting me to watch a teen slasher film is as difficult as getting me to breathe or eat peanut butter or forget to trim my beard. When the trailers for Cry_Wolf were on TV back in '05, I almost gave myself a migraine from rolling my eyes at the trailer. The film came out, it disappeared, and that was that. I was pretty surprised to hear from you that it was actually good. I was even more surprised when I found out you were right. Thanks to its quick pacing and decent writing, Cry_Wolf easily stands up alongside films like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legends, two of my favorite late 90s guilty pleasures. I agree with you that had this come out at a different time, genre fans like myself may have given it a fair chance. My favorite Jon Bon Jovi song is his performance in this movie.

Richard: You need to see The Road Warrior because it is a rite of passage for every little boy before he can become a man. It is exceptionally well made and one of the best (if not THE BEST) post-apocalyptic action movies ever made. It is also incredibly stupid. Why are people driving around and wasting gas while they are looking for gas? Oops! Try not to think about that. Just enjoy the ride.

Brad: Why had I not seen The Road Warrior before? Who knows? Not me. Especially as I love a lot of the knock offs that folks (Italians) made after it came out. I loved every second of it. Tons of style, great stunts, amazing stunt driving, and gruesome special makeup effects. I have now changed my name to Lord Humungus and I have also found a new way to dress. Mel Gibson does a great Australian accent. Who'd have thunk it? Weird.

Back To The Grindstone: The Novel

2011-11-01T08:47:00.031-04:00

Well, my good friends, it's like this: I am gonna be an absentee duder this month but I have some posts that are scheduled to keep things jumping around here. The reason is that I am once again trying to finish THE NOVEL. National Novel Writing Month may not work for everyone but it sure is a good excuse for me to get off my bum-bum and force this book out of my head. The same story has been kicking around in my head since around 2002 and scenes of it have been with me for nearly 20 years. This will be the fourth year in a row that I have been failing to finish this Nanowrimo business. I feel very fucking strongly that this is my time to shine. Or shit. Whatever. So let's do this thing NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. Dats an echo. See you all in a month.

You Know The Drill

2011-10-31T07:00:00.003-04:00

Thanks to all the people who read this blog and Doomed Moviethon!

And a happy Halloween to all of you!

Fat Albert's Halloween Special

2011-10-27T07:00:00.097-04:00

When I was a kid, there was a show that was extremely addictive, somewhat embarrassing to admit that you liked, and kind of totally awesome. That show was Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. I think I saw pretty much every episode of this show on TV when I was a kid. A few years later, my health teacher in 7th grade threw on episodes of Fat Albert every time he ran out of slides of STD victims to show us. I would totally pretend it was lame but deep down I knew the show was important. Why? Because the show taught a lesson. Sure it seemed like there were many lessons but in reality it all came down to one: DON'T BE A SHITHEAD.

In Fat Albert's Halloween Special, the gang is hellbent on pulling some pranks and scaring some old codgers in their neighborhood. Fat Albert tries to warn them by saying that scaring people isn't cool but of course they don't listen. After some shenanigans in a graveyard (what, no necrophilia?), the gang's next stop before the scaring festivities begin is to the theater for a Halloween showing of Space Squids that Ate Pittsburgh. But they get thrown out after Devery and Rudy play an idiotic prank.

"You jivin'? My brother Devery is no chicken. He's a lame duck with no pluck."

When Devery's tattletale little sister Melba shows up with the intention of spoiling all the fun, Devery challenges her to go up to Mrs. Bakewell's, the creepiest house on the block, to trick or treat. She accepts the challenge and, with Russell in tow, she marches up to the house. While the gang watches from the yard, Russell and Melba go into the house and everyone fears the worst. They burst into the room and discover that Mrs. Bakewell is just a nice, lonely widow who is more than happy to give the kids candy and soda. See, there's the lesson: Old people are cool. Devery finally gets his when his dad shows up and (presumably) beats the crap out of him.

I was under the impression that I had somehow missed Fat Albert's Halloween Special but the scene where Melba and Russell are chillin' in front of the fireplace drinking sodas brought it all back. Of course I've fucking seen this. Duh. I remember wondering what kind of soda they were drinking: Coke? Pepsi? 7-Up? Mountain Dew? What!??!?! The mystery still haunts me.

This is what happens when you act like a shithead.

Moviethon Vlog #002: Fulci On The Big Screen

2011-10-24T07:00:00.000-04:00

Sinister Spotlight and Mephisto's Castle!

2011-10-23T20:11:00.000-04:00

Hey gang, you need to head on over to the rad blog, Mephisto's Castle, by rad duder Jose. While you're there check out the episode of Jose's podcast, Sinister Spotlight, where he and I discuss the great slasher: He Knows You're Alone. We give the film an hour and a half of our soulful lovin'. Oops! Did that sound gay?

More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead

2011-10-21T07:00:00.031-04:00

I got my grubby little hands on a screener for the fabulous documentary, More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead which lovingly and thoroughly covers the making of Return of the Living Dead. I watched it and I reviewed it and you can find out if I dug it or hated it RIGHT HERE.

This part contains a spoiler or two for ROTLD:

I allude to something of a personal nature in my review of the documentary. For years, Return of the Living Dead made me very depressed whenever I watched it. And I could never put my finger on why such a funny and entertaining flick would bring me down so much. I used to just think that it was the downer ending. But after watching the documentary, it hit me: James Karen's agonizingly slow death after he is exposed to the toxic fumes that cause the dead to come back to life reminds me of my dying father.

I know what you're thinking: "Hey wow, nice going, duder. Kill the mood much?"

But yeah, this was quite a revelation for me. My dad died of lung cancer in 1993 and obviously, it affected me greatly. It just seems odd that James Karen's rather comedic scenes of him succumbing to rigor mortis and other ailments of the dying would freak me out so badly. Add to this the poignant moment where he decides to crawl inside the oven in the crematorium in order to avoid joining the ranks of the living dead and -well, I'm surprised I didn't just start bawling like a baby every time I sat down to view Return of the Living Dead. It's no joke that I owe it to More Brains! for helping me come to this conclusion. Something about seeing how the film was made flipped a switch in my brain and I have a feeling that I will be able to enjoy it again without hopping on the train to Bummersville.

Tales that Witness Madness

2011-10-19T07:00:00.009-04:00

Tales that Witness Madness
Directed by Freddie Francis
1973
Starring Kim Novak, Georgia Brown, Joan Collins, Jack Hawkins, Suzy Kendall, Donald Pleasence
90 minutes

Professor Tremayne (played by Donald Pleasence) has been working on four of his toughest psychiatrist cases and he may just have had a breakthrough with these dang loonies. In the first case, a young boy named Paul (Russell Lewis) with crappy parents depends on his imaginary tiger for companionship. Or perhaps, his pet tiger isn’t imaginary after all. In the second case, Timothy (Peter McEnery), an antiques dealer, discovers an old portrait in his deceased aunt’s possessions named “Uncle Albert”. The portrait has the power to transport Timothy into the past. In the third case, Brian (Michael Jayston) brings home an old tree stump that he thinks will look good in the living room. His wife Bella (Joan Collins) suddenly finds herself competing for her husband’s affections. The final case involves a man who uses black magic and a cannibal rite to attain great spiritual powers for he and his voodoo princess mother.

I am not a big fan of anthology films but I have to admit that Tales that Witness Madness is rather good. Freddie Francis (The Creeping Flesh, Paranoiac) directs this kooky collection of horror tales. The first story is very obvious but satisfying. The second story is pretty awful. Suzy Kendall is as shrill and as ludicrous as always and the melodramatic script plays into her talents. The lovely and always sassy Joan Collins livens up the third segment which is just plain bizarre anyway. Another classy member of the cast is Kim Novak, the hostess of the party in the final story. She is very odd in this movie, playing things very shaky and nutty (probably not on purpose). The wraparound bits are a little weak but Pleasence is very good (as usual) and I love the white, sterile hallways of the asylum.

"Did Mozart have to deal with this shit?"

Sharon Stone?

"Richard? Richard? Come to bed, Richard!"

"It won't help if I explain it to you."

The Thing (2011) - A Couple Thoughts

2011-10-18T07:00:00.034-04:00

So on Saturday I went out to Muvico to check out this prequel dealie to John Carpenter's 1982 classic, The Thing. There were a few douchebagels who showed up but they were quiet enough to not ruin the experience. And I must say, I enjoyed the film. It is suspenseful, well-made, gruesome, and has an excellent score by Marco Beltrami (a duder who is quickly becoming one of my favorite composers). I won't call this 2011 version of The Thing -I can't believe they couldn't think of something else to call it- essential or anything but if you decide to take a chance, you'll be pleasantly surprised that it doesn't suck. My biggest complaints are that the people populating this film aren't nearly quirky or memorable enough and that the practical (I call them analog) monster effects are non-existent. The CGI didn't bother me but don't expect anything like Rob Bottin's magic here.

Anyway, I do have a problem with this prequel. The ending ties in so seamlessly with Carpenter's film that I have to say it kind of pisses me off. Part of what is so great is that in the beginning of the 1982 film, you have no idea what's going on. MacReady and the crew of Outpost 31 discover the what's left of the Norwegian camp and the viewer has to use their IMAGINATION to piece together the horrors these men must have gone through. I know what you're saying: "Duder, it's a prequel. You spent $7.75 to ruin it for yourself." I'm just thinking of people who may watch this The Thing before they watch the original The Thing. I think it is better to see the 1982 flick first completely cold (as in, not knowing a damn thing about it), ponder what may have happened to the posthumous crew, and then watching this prequel as one of the potential possibilities of what occurred.

Fulci - The Yellow Films

2011-10-17T07:00:00.027-04:00

For episode 8 of Hello! This is the Doomed Show, Brad and I start the first of our four episodes on Lucio Fulci. In this spoiler-free episode, we talk exclusively about his contributions to the giallo genre. There are some pretty bizarre outtakes on this one. Listen closely or at a distance. Films covered in this episode: One on Top of the Other AKA Perversion Story, A Lizard in a Woman's Skin, Don't Torture a Duckling, Seven Notes in Black, New York Ripper, and Murder Rock: Dancing Death.

And just so you know, these episodes will not happen consecutively. Brad and I are going to have non-Fulci episodes in between these to break things up because we're weirdos and stuff. Here's how the Fulci-themed episodes are going to go:

1. Fulci - The Yellow Films (A Lizard in a Woman's Skin, The Psychic, etc.)
2. Fulci - The Golden Age (The Beyond, Zombie, The Black Cat, etc.)
3. Fulci - The Other Side of Lucio Fulci (Contraband, Conquest, Four of the Apocalypse, etc.)
4. Fulci - More Horrors (House of Clocks, Manhattan Baby, Demonia, etc.)

You can download or listen to episode 8 at Podomatic.

Or you can download it from Mediafire.

Here are the archives!

Dracula vs. Frankenstein

2011-10-14T07:00:00.014-04:00

Dracula vs. Frankenstein
Directed by Al Adamson
1971
Starring J. Carrol Naish, Lon Chaney Jr., Zandor Vorkov, Anthony Eisley, Regina Carrol
91 minutes

Dr. Duryea AKA Dr. Frankenstein (played by J. Carrol Naish), with the help of his monster serum-addled assistant Groton (Lon Chaney Jr.), has been murdering women on the beach in order to perform ghastly experiments. One night, Count Dracula shows up with a proposition. Dracula has discovered the remains of the original Frankenstein’s monster and will help the doctor get his revenge on the medical community that discredited him. What does he want in return? Nothing really; he just wants to pull some evil shit on an unsuspecting world.

MEANWHILE... Nightclub performer Judy Fontaine (played by Regina Carrol) is searching for her missing sister Joanie and she gets a big dose of LSD from a bald biker with a ludicrous looking scar on his head. She is rescued by a pair of happy go lucky hippies, Strange (Greydon Clark) and Samantha (Anne Morrell). Next Judy meets Mike Howard (Anthony Eisley), a hippie guru who knew Joanie before she disappeared. The gang heads down to the boardwalk to check out Dr. Duryea’s horror funhouse to see if Joanie (who had an interest in the macabre) might have gone there. Little does Judy know that her sister has already become a part of the mad doctor’s horrifying menagerie.

At some point, you have to open your heart to the world of Al Adamson. I didn’t think I could do it but I asked myself: “Who am I to resist greatness?” His films are slapdash and awkward but full of chaotic beauty. Dracula vs. Frankenstein is a kooky disaster infused with hippies, acid trips, surfers, and bikers (that were intended for an unfinished biker film). The horror elements and the biker elements go together like razor blades and Cheese Whiz but I have to admit this film is pretty damn entertaining. When the plot comes to a complete stop for some romance between Judy and Mark, it’s no bummer. Hey square, I can dig on these love vibes!

The cast in this movie could not be better. Lon Chaney Jr. acts like a junkie and super prolific J. Carrol Naish (House of Frankenstein) is the master of mad science, calling the shots from his wheelchair of doom. Zandor Vorkov makes his goateed and swarthy Count Dracula work by the sheer will of his eyebrows alone. Adamson regular, Regina Carrol, is sultry and sexy -well, she has big boobs and big hair anyway. Angelo Rossitto (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome) may be small in stature but he is hugely creepy as Grazbo, the boardwalk barker leading unsuspecting hip kids to their doom.

Out of all the Al Adamson films I’ve seen, this is probably my favorite. The quick pacing dies a dopey death in the last 10 minutes and the off kilter weirdness from the weak writing, expository overdubs, and childlike editing is even more aggressive than usual. But you know, I pretty much loved every second. Dracula vs. Frankenstein is a bargain basement monster mash-up sifted through the mind of a man who thought he knew what the hippie generation would want to see on the big screen. If you don’t think you can handle a dough-faced Frankenstein’s monster fighting a disco Dracula then this film ain’t for you. I thought that perhaps you’d be MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH or BOTH ENOUGH to deal with it but you’re not.

“They want to see an illusion. They do not realize that reality itself is the grandest illusion of all. And that human blood is the essence from which future illusions may be created.”

Guest Blog: Pete Walkerthon Is On!

2011-10-13T07:00:00.023-04:00

Check it out, y'all. Brad is back with another moviethon! Whatta guy!

Recently, Elizabeth and I watched the horror/thriller films of British director Pete Walker in chronological order. We omitted Die Screaming Marianne (I find it boring) and The House of the Long Shadows because there doesn't seem to be a good copy of it and I don't think it would fit in thematically with the other films. Friday night we watched 1972's The Flesh and Blood Show, 1974's House of Whipcord, and 1974's Frightmare. Saturday morning we watched 1975's The Confessional/House of Mortal Sin, 1976's Schizo, and 1978's The Comeback.

The Flesh and Blood Show is a protoslasher based around a theater troupe in an old, deserted theater. It's a bit reminiscent of the giallo The Killer Reserved Nine Seats, although not as good in my opinion, and a respectable start to Pete's horror career (discounting Marianne). House of Whipcord is for all intents and purposes a women in prison film and is based around a general theme of conservative values run amok. This is the first film in which Pete worked with actress Sheila Keith forming a partnership not unlike Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro but perhaps more akin to James Whale and Boris Karloff. Perhaps in attempt to go the other way, Frightmare is a film centered on liberalism gone astray and is the tale of an older couple who have been let out of prison too soon with gruesome consequences. Sheila Keith also appears (it's her with a scary face on the cover), and while her monsters don't evoke sympathy in a way that Karloff's monsters do, she does demand your attention every time she is on screen.

Saturday we started with The Confessional, a film that Catholics should probably avoid (even though it has Stephanie Beacham!). It is the tale of a Catholic priest who uses his parishioners' confessions against them in his attempt to right their moral wrongs. It reminds me a bit of a lyric from the Belle and Sebastian song The State I Am In, “The priest in the booth had a photographic memory for all he had heard. He took all of my sins and he wrote a pocket novel called 'The State I Am In'”. Once again Sheila Keith appears, this time sporting a pair of Nick Fury glasses. Did I mention this film has Stephanie Beacham? Schizo is another pre-Halloween protoslasher. Peter Sellers' last wife, Lynne Frederick, stars as a newlywed ice skater being menaced by a figure from her past. Sheila Keith, sadly, is not in this, but Stephanie Beacham is. It's overlong but has a fantastic seance sequence and some fairly gory murders. The Comeback stars '60s pop idol Jack Jones as a singer who is trying to make, you guessed it, a comeback. The only thing standing in his way is a killer in an old lady mask and possible insanity. Sheila Keith makes a much welcomed return as his housekeeper.

*The lists pertain only to this viewing of the films

Elizabeth

1. Frightmare
2. The Comeback
3. The Confessional
4. House of Whipcord
5. Schizo
6. The Flesh and Blood Show

Brad

1. House of Whipcord
2. The Comeback
3. Frightmare
4. Schizo
5. The Confessional
6. The Flesh and Blood Show

In any event, I believe that Pete Walker's films are underrated and in need of a serious reevaluation. They serve as a nice bridge between Hammer films and the late 70s to early 80s slasher films.

The Next Phase In Crap

2011-10-11T08:17:00.000-04:00

Back in 2009, I made a movie with my friends and had to put it together with shitty software. Now I have better software but I'm still shitty. So this little thing that was once called Crazy Fortune Teller is now LASER BEAMS! LASER BEAMS! LASER BEAMS! This still isn't the final product but I trimmed some things and added the "dance party in Hades" sequence over the end credits instead of the movie just stopping abruptly. Check it out. I play The Devil. And I dance as The Devil dances in Hades but this time, it's in real life. The film also features an entire cast of library employees.

Screen Shot Grab Bag: The Howling

2011-10-07T07:00:00.018-04:00

"Turn around now, Karen. I want to give you something."

Use Your Imagination

2011-10-05T07:00:00.001-04:00

Gooey Terror From My Youth: Beware! The Blob

2011-10-03T07:00:00.027-04:00

I guess I was kind of a doofus when I was a kid. When I saw Beware! The Blob on TV back in the day, I had no idea I was supposed to be laughing. In fact, I was freaked the fuck out. I guess the idea of being digested by a red gooey mass from outer space is actually disturbing in some circles of society. What got to me the most was when the Blob went after the black couple (played by Godfrey Cambridge and Marlene Clark), it scared me to death and made me incredibly sad that these two vivacious and fun characters had to die so horribly. I like the sincerity of my kid-heart but man, I was such a dope. It just didn't compute that a horror movie could be silly, funny, or in the cae of Beware! The Blob, incredidbly stupid.

Ladies Of Death Row Swimsuit Calendar

2011-09-30T08:58:00.002-04:00

No, it's not some lost Russ Meyer film, it's my band. My friend Nafa and I have been in this strange band called Ladies of Death Row Swimsuit Calendar (old website) for 10 years now. We started back when I was in college (I'm not making excuses!). We're not exactly "motivated" or "productive" but we do exist. And in September of 2001, we started making weird guitar loops, obtuse 4 track experiments, and jokey shit. Sometimes we're even half serious. Or maybe I dreamed that part.

Here's some of our music:

LODRSC - McDonoughs (lots of old songs)

LODRSC - So Misled (more recent stuff)

Nafa's music

4 songs of my strangeness

Here's some videos of our videos:

Hello! This is the Doomed Show Episode #7: The Horrible Secret of Dr. Hichcock

2011-09-26T07:00:00.013-04:00

Hello, my name is duder. You knew this would happen, didn't you? I did. Brad and I have survived all the way until episode number seven! We talk about the great flick, The Horrible Secret of Dr. Hichcock, directed by Riccardo Freda. Do we like that one or hate that one? You'll just have to listen to find out.

You can download or listen right here at Podomatic.

Or you can download the episode right here from Mediafire.

It's your call, homey!

We would love to hear comments on the episode or just tell us how you are planning to destroy us! Either way, leave comments here or at our Facebook page.

Killer's Nocturne

2011-09-23T07:00:00.029-04:00

Killer's Nocturne
AKA Bat Ye Tin
Directed by Ngai Kai Lam
1987
Starring Alex Man, Siu-hou Chin, Pat Ha, Yin Tse, Hseih Wang, Ki Yan Lam, Alex To
91 minutes

Mr. Yin (played by Alex Man) is taking over all the nightclubs in town and oh yes, he is doing it hostilely! Yin wants revenge on Mr. Law (Yin Tse) for beating him at mahjong gambling. It's because of the shame of this defeat that forced Yin and his brother Hoi (Alex To) to live in exile in Japan for many years. Yin kills Law but makes it appear as though it was a suicide. Law's son Fung becomes obsessed with getting revenge on his father's murderer.

Fung does have some time for matters of the heart as the woman he has been chasing for many weeks is none other than nightclub singer Miss Rachel (played by Pat Ha), who just happens to be Mr. Yin's main squeeze. After Fung is severely beaten by Yin's bodyguards, Rachel takes care of the guy and even falls for him which, of course, gets her killed. Fung then flees the country and gets into the boxing circuit, fighting dudes and sometimes kangaroos. When he returns, he heads straight for Mr. Yin's Endless Night nightclub to settle the score once and for all.

If you are familiar with the films of Ngai Kai Lam (AKA Nam Lai Choi) such as Story of Ricky, The Cat, or Seventh Curse then the fact that he directed a gambling gangster drama action kung fu period piece shouldn't surprise you. In fact, I am so used to this director's ability to raise my eyebrows and drop my jaw that my face is in a permanent state of surprise all day, every day. Killer's Nocturne is both melodramatic and intensely violent. It has some comic elements, romance elements, and even some fantastical elements all mixed together in one magical concoction. Many of Hong Kong's best directors blend multiple styles in one film but few are as satisfyingly cathartic, mind-blowingly kinetic, or emotionally confusing as Lam's.

My favorite character in Killer's Nocturne is Fung. Siu-hou Chin (of Mr. Vampire) plays a very likable and righteous duder who becomes so driven by his quest for vengeance that nothing in the world matters to him more than destroying Mr. Yin. I love how, while on the boxing circuit, he finds out that losing a fight earns him more money than winning. So he becomes a human punching bag to make mad cash and unintentionally trains his body to take all kinds of abuse. In fact, Fung becomes so tough that when he finally comes back to Endless Night, Yin's goons have a VERY DIFFICULT TIME trying to kick his ass. Trust me, you will be amazed by the finale of this one.

I strongly encourage adventurous viewers to seek out the films of Ngai Kai Lam. I have enjoyed every single flick of his that I have seen with the exception of Saga of the Phoenix, which is a little too kid friendly in an obnoxious and disturbing way. All of his flicks are entertaining and so damn weird. Killer's Nocturne has an especially depressing storyline but the action scenes are brilliantly staged and the characters are sympathetic. So in the end, you'll be left with a feeling of abstract ennui. Sounds good, right? An understanding of the rules of mahjong will help you out here as there are a couple of mahjong games that are part of the plot. If you, like me, don't know jack about the game, don't worry, the music queues and the actors' reactions to the outcome help immensely.

See, I wasn't kidding!

Franco Friday: The End

2011-09-16T07:00:00.156-04:00

Franco Friday: The End

Since the beginning of this whole Franco Friday thing, I kind of knew that I was probably the last person to be really diving into the world of Jess Franco. I have little or no tolerance for 'sex films' so it seems like I would have avoided the guy. But my ever-expanding movie queue is so tangled up with intersecting directors and actors from European genre flicks that I had no choice but see what old Franco was all about. What I found was baffling, exhilarating, and downright irritating. My goal of 52 films by one director reviewed in 52 consecutive Fridays will not be met this time. Maybe I'll do Takashi Miike Mondays! He's directed like 86 films and counting. No, I probably won't.

I will still give anything Franco directed before 1972 a chance but I am very wary about ANYTHING starring Lina Romay. Franco said to the world: 'Look at my wife! No seriously, look at her. No, I mean stare deep into her vagina.' One wonders about the nature of such a relationship. What drives a man to put his lady on display? What compels someone to direct pornos starring their dang wife? And what would motivate a woman to star in these films directed by her husband? I have a theory but I'll keep it to myself *.

For the record, I find Lina Romay attractive, very attractive, especially between the years 1972 and 1984. And I like her acting. Go figure. She has always been exactly what Franco needed: a vamp, a slut, a damsel in distress, an innocent corrupted, etc. Was she right for this role or that role? Did Franco overuse her? Frankly, it doesn't fucking matter because the films just kept getting made no matter what. If it hadn't of been her, it would have been someone else. At least she has a great rack and big beautiful eyes.

And now here's a photo of Jess Franco assaulting me:

(You can thank Nafa for this atrocity.)

I am particularly struck by Franco's ability to take a whole lot of nothing (or in some cases, less than nothing) and turning it into something magical. The man knows how to create feelings of dread and a sense of impending tragedy in both his horror films and his erotic films (and those hybrid creatures that are concoctions of both). One has to be willing to let go of any need for a cohesive story and open the senses to take in all of the accidental and always bizarre beauty that Franco throws into his work. And don't forget to open your heart because these are also some of the saddest films I've ever seen. Franco loves his damned characters and he loves to show us their last gasps of freedom and innocence.

But be wary, my friends, Franco does have a fatal flaw: sex. The man isn't anymore perverted than your average Euro-sleaze director but he is more persistent. Sometimes he will hamstring a perfectly good film with obvious erotic overtones or symbolism so frank that you'll feel stupid for giving the guy a chance. Yes, I'm talking about you, Mr. Giant Black Dildo of A Virgin Among the Living Dead. Honestly, I still feel a twinge of embarrassment whenever I post a review of a sex film on this blog. I need a break!

Here are my top 10 favorite films by Jess Franco (out of the 30+ that I have seen). These are also 10 films by this nutcase that anyone remotely interested in him should see.

10. Blue Rita

9. Dr. Orloff's Monster

8. A Virgin Among the Living Dead

7. Vampyros Lesbos

6. She Killed in Ecstasy

5. Venus in Furs

4. Rites of Frankenstein

3. Kiss Me Monster

2. Bloody Moon

1. Eugenie de Sade

Now look, I know that Franco has some interesting themes running through all of his films and he even reuses characters' names. Trust me, I like that. Lorna the Exorcist is a sequel to Succubus. Why not? But you know what? I'm so sick of this guy's schtick that I don't give a double wide fuck about it! If SOMEONE could stop doing constant closeups of VAGINAS for FIVE SECONDS maybe I wouldn't be FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT right now! Hey Franco, women's bodies are beautiful. No seriously, women's bodies are beautiful. WOMEN'S BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL! How many of your films did I have to shut off, Mr. Sexy Franco? Hm... Do you think I'll ever review The Sexual Story of O? Or Night of a Thousand Sexes? Or Barbed Wire Dolls? Or Diary of a Gooch Princess? THINK ABOUT IT!

Here are my 5 least favorite Franco films:

5. Sadistic Baron Von Klaus

4. Count Dracula

3. Women without Innocence

2. Macumba Sexual

1. Lorna the Exorcist

So thanks to everyone who has been tuning in to these often painful reviews. There will be more Franco Fridays in the future (I am a Franco fan, after all) but I have to break the cycle (because I'm NOT a Franco kind of guy). I did not consider going 19 more films as the home stretch but rather an insurmountable thing that I was terrified of. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true. But fear not, Franco-faces, every once in a while here at CinSom, you'll see a Franco Friday pop up out of nowhere. There are at least 5 more of his films that I want to see (and about 150 more that I don't) so keep your eyes glued to this old place.

*Drugs!

Hello! This is the Doomed Show Episode 6: Symptoms

2011-09-12T08:15:00.000-04:00

In this all new, all rad sixth episode of Hello! This is the Doomed Show, Brad and Richard discuss Symptoms by Jose Ramon Larraz. It stars Donald Pleasence's frickin' daughter, yo!

You can listen or download the episode right here.

Or just download it right here.

Those are two options!

Tell your friends about us.

Franco Friday #33: Succubus

2011-09-09T07:00:00.149-04:00

Franco Friday #33

Roughly seven and a half months ago, I entered the wild world of Jess Franco. And now I am ready to leave, at least for a little while. When this started to feel less like an endurance challenge and more like plain old torture, I had to stop. Unfortunately, I'm not ending on a better note. A sour note? Not exactly. Let's turn up the volume so that even the imperfections become melodies.

Succubus
AKA Necronomicon - Getraumte Sunden
Directed by Jess Franco
1968
Starring Janine Reynaud, Jack Taylor, Adrian Hoven, Howard Vernon, Nathalie Nort
79 minutes

Lorna Green* (played by Janine Reynaud) is an S&M dominatrix in a nightclub owned by her boyfriend William (Jack Taylor). When she's not whipping the crap out of people, she's out partying, dropping acid, and getting all sexually frustrated and stuff because William is usually too drunk to fuck (like the Dead Kennedys song). Next thing ya know, Lorna descends into a dream world where all kinds of freaky shit happens. Everything goes all soft focus and she goes to a castle. She also stabs a guy (Howard Vernon) in the eye with a needle and kills some people. Oh, and her collection of mannequins come to life. Are these only fantasies? Or is this mysterious stranger (Michel Lemoine) have some devious plan for Lorna?

Mr. Jess Franco drops us into his dreamworld of soft focus sexual perversion and fantasies bathed in diffused light. This film is bizarre, silly, practically plotless, and mannequins do come to life but this film is crippled by it's artsy-fartsiness. Awkward stripteases, murder, J&B sightings, and LSD trips abound but I am still bored. I need to stop making these friggin' list sentences. Sorry.

One thing I am thankful for is Franco introducing me to Janine Reynaud. Before this film and Kiss Me Monster, I just thought that Miss Reynaud was just that weird looking lady from The Case of the Scorpion's Tail. Now I know she's that weird looking lady from all kinds of movies! But seriously, Reynaud is always a welcome sight to behold and her performances just warm my dang heart. Other great faces in this movie are Howard Vernon (who looks awfully comfortable in that bar that employs hot and naked dudes), Oregon's own Jack Taylor (who is becoming one of my faves), Adrian Hoven (and his rakish good looks), and actor/director Michel Lemoine (who is totally creepy).

So where does this film go wrong? The writing! I have sat through Franco's unique brand of improvised saxophone solo type of filmmaking many times before but rarely has pretentious dialog turned it into an almost unbearably embarrassing experience for me. From the blatantly obvious themes hammered into the viewer's brain to a super snooty word association/name-dropping game (that just about made me vomit), this film has its head way, way up its ass. That being said, all of this pretentious shit is very funny so if Franco meant it as a joke... GOOD!

Here's an obnoxious yet hilarious clip (NSFW):

I do enjoy the visual aspects and the score of Succubus. Because of those aspects, this is a lovely and enjoyable cinematic poem. In his introduction to Obsession: The Films of Jess Franco, Tim Lucas refers to this film as the beginning of Franco's peak years and the first film where he was given complete freedom. So I'm not surprised this would be both great and slightly full of shit. Succubus is incredibly dated and a bit of chore to sit through but fans of Jess Franco will dig it. It's like John Coltrane. You know you're supposed to dig Giant Steps for what it is but you've already moved on to A Love Supreme. There! I'm like Franco now.

"Will you always stay?"
"I will stay until the end."

*I still think this is a veiled reference to Lorne Greene.

But this IS my modest robe!

Soft focus really isn't my thing.

We know you're voice is dubbed, Howard. Stop trying to embarrass us.

What is this on the wall, Franco? ANOTHER VAGINA?

Two words: vegan caterer.

I don't care how you spell it, that shit is overrated!

Let me carve you a chin like mine.

Franco Friday #32: Vampyros Lesbos

2011-09-02T07:00:00.192-04:00

Franco Friday #32

Ahhh, this feels like coming home. For many years, Vampyros Lesbos was my favorite Jess Franco film, mainly because I had seen exactly three Franco films all together. But you know, had it not been this one film getting stuck in my brain, I might never have ventured so deep into the world of Franco. Coming next week... the last Franco Friday!

Vampyros Lesbos
Directed by Jess Franco
1971
Starring Soledad Miranda, Ewa Stromberg, Dennis Price, Heidrun Kussin, Jose Martinez Blanco, Andres Monales, Paul Muller
89 minutes

An indiscernible voice prattling through a megaphone over some toxic jazz segues into a relentless blast of organ music. The first images we see? A striptease. A brunette in a red scarf takes off what little lingerie she is wearing and dresses a living mannequin on the stage with her. The mannequin suddenly comes to life. A blond woman in the audience is particularly affected by this display. This is Vampyros Lesbos. Fasten your ill-fitting braziers, it's gonna be a funky night (day, actually).

Linda Westinghouse (played by Ewa Stromberg) has been haunted by dreams of a woman she has never met. This woman beckons to her. While she and her boyfriend are staying in Istanbul, Linda is called in to draw up the estate of the Countess Carody AKA Nadine (Soledad Miranda). I think she's a lawyer or whatever. It should be no surprise to anyone watching this film, the Countess is the woman from her dreams. Much like the title promises, the Countess is a lesbian vampire and she wants to drain Linda dry.

Linda's boyfriend Omar (played by Andres Monales) is very concerned for his lady who seems to be fading away before his eyes. He contacts Dr. Seward (Dennis Price) who is convinced that vampires are real and that Linda is in grave danger. Locked up in his hospital is Agra (Heidrun Kussin), one of the Countess's previous victims/girlfriends, who has completely lost her mind. She spends her days writhing around in her bed with a very phallic-looking rubber clown and prophesying the Countess's imminent return. Agra is the Renfield of this movie. Nice work if you can get it.

Of course, Dr. Seward is an unethical motherfucker who wants the vampire's power of immortality. He tries to trap the Countess in some lame scheme but he doesn't count on her manservant Morpho (played by Jose Martinez Blanco) showing up and wrecking shit. Did I mention that Linda is being held hostage by a madman named Memmet (Jess Franco)? No? Oh well. I probably forgot to talk about how Linda is special (she's strong willed?) and that the Countess has decided to bestow all the powers of the vampire upon her. Yeah, sorry. ANYWAY, Omar and Linda's therapist (Paul Muller) show up to save the day. Will they be too late?!?!

Director Jess Franco delivers an pervasively moody, if uneven, film with Vampyros Lesbos. The adventurous cinematographer Manuel Merino does not disappoint delivering a lush and very pretty film full of vibrance in even the most washed out sets located in Istanbul, Germany, and Spain. Merino also makes great use of lots of colored gels and inexplicably bizarre lighting setups, giving the film even more spice. The soundtrack by Manfred Hubler, Sigi Schwab, and Franco himself is overwhelming and should just about melt your ears off.

Even after all the Jess Franco films I've seen, Vampyros Lesbos is still pretty damn weird. Vampires that go sunbathing in the nude, mysterious blood dripping down a window, a scorpion drowning* in a swimming pool, and candles burning in broad daylight are just a few bafflements in store for adventurous viewers. The only major complaint I have is the striptease at the beginning of the film is repeated pretty much in its entirety late in the running time. I can't help but wish this had been abbreviated. It's a poignant scene in its own way but the Countess's act is so elaborate that it's a little dull the second time around. Here I am, complaining about naked women again! Maybe Franco just ain't for me.

I love this silly, silly movie but I suspect that without Soledad Miranda's super-cool performance, I doubt this would be as highly revered (or perhaps just remembered thanks to Synapse's 2000 DVD**) as it is. This is certainly better than Franco's own Daughter of Dracula, released the following year. This film does have some laughably outrageous overacting (Kussin) and forehead slapping underacting (Monales) but Miranda and Stromberg help you forget about all that. As far as starting points for Jess Franco, Vampyros Lesbos is an excellent place to begin. Just don't tell a newbie that this is his greatest film. That just wouldn't be true.

"My friend is the Queen of the Night."
"I see."

*Scorpions can't fucking swim, Franco!

**After INTENSE RESEARCH, I found that Vampyros Lesbos was actually part of the second wave of Franco's films available on DVD in the US in 2000 alongside titles such as She Killed in Ecstasy, Wanda the Wicked Warden, Female Vampire, and The Awful Dr. Orloff. In 1998, during the first wave, the only Franco DVDs you could get your hands on in the States were Succubus and Kiss Me, Monster (thanks to Image DVD).

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)

2011-08-30T07:00:00.126-04:00

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
Directed by Troy Nixey
2010
Starring Bailee Madison, Katie Holmes, Guy Pearce, Jack Thompson, Julia Blake
99 minutes

Even though I wasn't very impressed by the trailers for Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, something told me to get up early enough on Sunday to catch the matinee. I guess what worked was the moment where Katie Holmes rips down a dusty sheet to reveal a mural of some rather demonic-looking creatures with arms outstretched, hands clutching and promising perpetual torment. So yeah, that was enough to make me go 'Oh snap, that's in theaters already? I'm on my way, bitches!' I probably didn't say that in my head or aloud but still, I did go to the movies. As usual, I went to AMC Veterans out on Anderson to catch the show with a small, not very enthusiastic crowd. Shit, at least they were quiet. There was a redneck lady with a baby that came in and I keep thinking that she was dragging it around by the leg like a sack of potatoes. But I might be imagining that...

This film, co-written and co-produced by Guillermo del Toro*, is about a girl named Sally (played by Bailee Madison) who is sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend. Her dad Alex (Guy Pearce) is an architect restoring and living in a place called Blackwood Mansion. His girlfriend Kim (Katie Holmes) is an interior designer helping him out and, you know, having SEX with him. Alex isn't exactly the most attentive father in the world and after being dumped by her prescription-drugs-cure-everything mom at the doorstep of a creepy mansion, Sally isn't exactly the happiest kid in the world. She ignores her father, despises Kim, and retreats into the grounds and the dark corners of the Blackwood Estate.

Almost immediately, Sally begins to hear voices that claim that they want to be her friend. These voices belong to tiny creatures living in the walls of the house. And though they sound benevolent, these diminutive beasts are ancient monsters who must feed every couple of centuries to survive. Oh and they like to eat children's teeth! As more and more strange incidents occur, Alex reacts the way any parent would act and calls in a psychologist to analyze Sally and prescribe something very strong to calm her down. After a trip to the special collections department of the local library**, Kim discovers that Sally may not be going through her tiny-monster-phase at all. Heck y'all, there might just be something to that little whipper snapper's story!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is no throwaway summer horror flick. This is NOT some found footage gimmick flick or a Saw clone. It's an old school horror film that is surprisingly well made. The score by Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders stands out as some of the best horror film music in recent memory. The sets are phenomenal as are the Australian(?!?!) locations which look a lot like freakin' New England to me. The cast is solid with even Katie Holmes in a likeable role (I understand that she is an acquired taste to most movie lovers' fickle palates). And the sense of dread established in a horrifying prologue is balanced with enough childlike wonder to keep the viewer on their toes.

The only things I don't like about this movie are the shrill screams of the little creatures. I know that a small army of evil little gnomes (or whatever they are) could be a little silly as a threat but I wish there had been another way to make them intimidating other than giving them a high-pitched screech. Or perhaps the filmmakers could have used that sound sparingly or in a different way. Keep in mind that this is a coming from me, a guy who digs loud, abrasive experimental music; so you'd think I'd just be snapping my fingers and grooving along every time that sound ripped through the theater. Well, I wasn't! Despite the auditory annoyance, I did really like the design of the creatures.

I am going to go ahead and call this a 'must see' because the thing about Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is that it made me proud to be a horror fan. It is a classy production with excellent atmosphere, a dark fairy tale vibe, and is a film that I predict will age very well. The story is not exactly new (this is a remake after all) but it is told with confidence and for people unlike me, who haven't seen a thousand friggin' horror films, will eat this one up. What was that sentence anyway? Look, go and see Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. It's good, smart stuff and it will very likely give you the heebee-jeebees though I'm not sure that it earns its R rating.

*I read some debate about how much the horror/fantasy director had to do with this film but after seeing it, I have to say that the stamp of del Toro is pretty obvious.

**High fives to my librarian homies.

Guest Blog: El Hombre Lobo 1968-1980

2011-08-29T07:00:00.039-04:00

My good friend Brad Hogue watched a whole mess of Naschy. Here's what he had to say about it:

I recently watched Paul Naschy's Waldemar Daninsky El Hombre Lobo series of wolfman films from 1968-1980. Friday night we watched Mark Of The Wolfman, Assignment Terror, and Fury Of The Wolfman. Saturday we wrapped up with Werewolf Shadow, Dr. Jekyll And The Wolfman, Curse Of The Devil, Night Of The Howling Beast, and Night Of The Werewolf. We watched them in chronological order according to Wikipedia (dates differ on different sites.) PLEASE NOTE: There are some minor spoilers ahead.

Seeing these films back to back for the first time has led me to a conclusion that I hadn't really formulated before. Naschy never told a simple werewolf-on-the-rampage story. He didn't remake The Wolfman over and over. In fact, he never remade The Wolfman at all. Naschy's interest was with Frankenstein Versus The Wolfman and a love of the monster rally films from the 40's. There is plenty to say about these films but I want to focus on some of the different 'monsters' in the films.

In 1968's Mark of The Wolfman (also known as Frankenstein's Bloody Terror) you have him being bitten by another werewolf but it's not the story of him trying to be cured by itself; you have the introduction of two vampires. 1969's Assignment Terror has aliens, a vampire, a mummy, and a Frankenstein's monster variant. 1970's Fury Of The Wolfman includes suspect pseudoscience, a female werewolf, plant people, insane hippies, and a Phantom Of The Opera-style masked madman. Later the same year Werewolf Shadow showcased Daninsky vs. Countess De Nadasady, a vampire stand in for Countess Bathory, and a zombie monk. 1971's Dr. Jekyll And The Wolfman features not a showdown between Daninsky and Mr. Hyde but Daninsky being a wolfman AND Mr. Hyde. 1972's Curse Of The Devil, perhaps the closest Naschy comes in this period to a wolfman-on-the-rampage film, still manages to include a gypsy curse and an axe murderer. 1975's Night Of The Howling Beast folds two cannibalistic, vampirish sisters, a fradulent witch in the employ of a bandit warlord, and a yeti. 1980's Night Of The Werewolf is a remake of sorts of Werewolf Shadow with Daninsky facing off once again with Countess De Nadasady and a bevy of vampires.

The Daninsky series is both reflective of the times and contain throwbacks to earlier styles and genre filmmaking. Mark Of The Wolfman could be seen as a Hammer style horror film while Night Of The Howling Beast is a pulpy, serial style film. Werewolf Shadow is a fun, fast paced film whereas Curse Of The Devil is a more somber period piece. It is a testament to Naschy that he was able to write screenplays that fit into many different sub genres. Perhaps that versatility, his love of the genre, and his strong screen presence were major factors in the longevity of the series.

My wife and I compiled a list of our favorites based on only this viewing of the films.

Elizabeth
1. Curse Of The Devil
2. Night Of The Werewolf
3. Mark of The Wolfman
4. Werewolf Shadow
5. Night Of The Howling Beast
6. Dr. Jekyll And The Wolfman
7. Fury Of The Wolfman
8. Assignment Terror

Brad
1. Night Of The Werewolf
2. Assignment Terror
3. Curse Of The Devil
4. Mark Of The Wolfman
5. Dr. Jekyll And The Wolfman
6. Werewolf Shadow
7. Night Of The Howling Beast
8. Fury Of The Wolfman

Franco Friday #31: She Killed in Ecstasy

2011-08-26T07:00:00.130-04:00

Franco Friday #31

Wow. After this, there are only two more Franco Fridays. I, for one, am excited. Granted, I still have to wrap this business up. I promised you a list of my 10 favorite Francos which I will deliver. And I might even have something to say about the crazy bastard too. I also promise that Franco Friday #33 will not be the last one ever. There will be more. But y'all, I need a break from this sicko freak mother fucker who has been ruining and enriching my life for over half a year.

She Killed in Ecstasy
Directed by Jess Franco
1971
Starring Soledad Miranda, Fred Williams, Paul Muller, Howard Vernon, Ewa Stromberg
73 minutes

When Dr. Johnson (played by Fred Williams) reveals to the medical council that he has been using human embryos for his experiments in genetic research, he gets ousted from the medical community and all of his research is destroyed. The medical council takes things just a wee bit too far and drive the poor guy to madness and suicide. Mrs. Johnson (Soledad Miranda) decides to target the four doctors who are the head of the medical council and make them pay for what they did to her hubby. She seduces and kills them one by one while an ineffectual cop (Horst Tappert) manages to stay one step behind her vicious acts of vengeance.

This eroti-tragedy (I just made that term up) by Jess Franco could very well be the director's best film. This isn't my own personal favorite but I was stunned by just how much this film gets under my skin and stays there, happily festering away. This just goes to show you that whenever Franco and Soledad Miranda got together, the results were phenomenal. And like every other person who appreciates their collaborations, I can't help but feel fucked up about her untimely death in August of 1970, over a year before this film was even released.

I gotta say that the score for She Killed in Ecstasy is very, very good. It is also very dynamic with its freaky funky jazzy bits, tense experimental bits, and moody bittersweet bits. That's a lot of bits. Composers Manfred Hubler and Sigi Schwab (holy friggin' wow, what a great name!) give this film a dynamic and bold soundtrack that could have only happened (and worked) in the early 70s.

Two more amazing things about this film are the locations and the cinematography. Some of the ultra modern buildings where key scenes of this film are shot look like the future. Well, the future according to people in 1971 anyway. It's all stark and rather appealing if you like things that looks like spaceships or alien civilizations (which I know for a fact that you do). The camerawork is credited to the always reliable Manuel Merino. Sure, there are some out of focus and shaky moments but I bet you big money that Franco yelled 'action' while the poor guy was still setting up a shot. Reshoots? Ha! Franco laughs in the face of the poor SOB who asks about reshoots. Merino will make you weep with his framing, that much I promise you.

The cast does not disappoint with the alluring Soledad Miranda, not too surprisingly, giving her all and stealing the entire movie. She gives an excellent performance that is painfully sad and insanely raging in equal measure. Mrs. Johnson is also a well written character with her obsession with revenge, potentially supernatural powers, and predilection for cutting off dudes' wangs. When she is in the arms of her enemies, she dreams of making love to her man. Now that's a real woman!

Like I said before, this isn't my favorite Franco film* of all time but She Killed in Ecstasy would be a great starting point for folks looking to see what Jess Franco is all about. It's a little repetitive and slow at the beginning but fear not, this film gets to the dreamy goodness and wacky weirdness before you know it. If nothing else, see this for Soledad. She is so hot in this movie that it hurts me in my pants area. Also, this film contains the best suffocation-by-inflatable-zebra-pillow ever!

*The top spot is still held by Eugenie de Sade.

Hello! This is the Doomed Show Ep. 5: Eyeball

2011-08-22T09:49:00.001-04:00

The duders (Brad and me) are back with our 5th episode. Check it out!

Listen/download here at Podomatic.

Our just download it here.

Those are two options.

Free.

Tell your buds.

Franco Friday #30: A Virgin Among the Living Dead

2011-08-19T07:00:00.123-04:00

Franco Friday #30

It's getting more and more difficult for me to sit through a Franco film, even one as good as A Virgin Among the Living Dead. I like this movie a whole, whole lot but I am beyond the maximum lifetime intake of Jess Franco. Every step I take feels like I'm sinking. This whole psychosexual movie mess I've got myself into is like a crack addled whirling dervish on the back of a bull in China shop. I humbly bow before you, dear reader, secretly hoping hoping you'll bring down the axe.

(Save for the naked chick, none of this poster is even remotely accurate.)

A Virgin Among the Living Dead
AKA Christina Chez les Morts Vivants
Directed by Jess Franco
1973
Christina von Blanc, Britt Nichols, Rosa Palomar, Anne Libert, Howard Vernon, Paul Muller, Jess Franco
79 minutes

Christina Benson (played by Christina von Blanc) travels to her family estate to hear the reading of her father's will. The moment Christina arrives, she senses that all is not right with her bizarre family. More and more she begins to suspect that these aren't just a bunch of greedy douchebagels but undead servants of "The Queen of the Night" (Anne Libert).

This film is odd even by Jess Franco standards. This is a super simple idea with painfully obvious metaphors laid out in confusing layers. The whole film relies completely on the ultra-freaky performances of its actors. A Virgin Among the Living Dead is told with beauty, the sexy bodies of its female leads, bizarre menace, and dark comedy. If you revel in the absurd and the painfully sad then this film is for you.

Bruno Nicolai, you magical son of a bitch! Hot fucking damn! Whenever Franco and Nicolai get together, the results are always astounding. This score starts off super weird with a tricked out synthesizer and bass guitar making some unsettling and yet funky sounds. Then the music gets jagged and even more dangerous in a fuzzed out and crazy way. And what would a Bruno Nicolai score be without those lovely vocal pieces? It just wouldn't!

Jess Franco pulls double duty on this picture by stepping in front of the camera to do some of his finest acting. Sure Basilio is an idiotic murderous mute freak manservant but Franco is actually rather lively in this role. He is just one of the kooks in this flick. One of my favorites, Anne Libert, plays "The Queen of the Night". Nuff said. Rosa Palomar and Howard Vernon play Christina's bonkers aunt and uncle and they do so with a fiendish delight that I want to bottle and deal out on the streets.

So Christina rejects the phallus, thus condemning herself to death? Really, Franco? That is like Sleazy Cinema Symbolism 101, duder. I think I'm going to call you Jeff from now on. Jeff Frakno. That is your new name. Yo, don't let any of the DVD covers or posters for this film fool you, this ain't no zombie fest. I'm sure all the Franco fanatics have already seen this one. It's pretty much classic Franco with some excellent moments that demonstrate the guy was ahead of his time back in the day. As usual, he is so sex-obsessed that he looks like a fucking buffoon even when he's getting everything else right. A Virgin Among the Living Dead is definitely worth a look.

I am the fog machine, you dick.

D's for never dirty, MC for mostly clean.

I am so rejecting your phallus right now.

Grave-robbing, it's a gateway drug.

Does this lip gloss make me look taller?

I'm here for the -URK!- Macumba Sexual screening.

I uh... lost my grip on the thermometer.

A virgin among the Tupperware hostess.

Franco Friday #29: Faceless

2011-08-12T07:00:00.066-04:00

Franco Friday #29

I have to tell you, I feel liberated. Knowing that after this, there are only four more Franco Fridays is just awesome. Imagine me dressed up like Prince (Under the Cherry Moon era) and screaming at myself in the mirror: "The countdown has begun, beyatch!" Okay, don't imagine that. Anyway, I was going to watch Eugenie... The Story of Her Journey into Perversion this week but I bumped it from the final five since I had not one but two requests for Faceless and I (almost) always (never) give people what they want on CinSom. Y'all ever been to Miami? I HAVE!

Faceless
AKA Las Predateurs de la Nuit
Directed by Jess Franco
1987
Starring Helmut Berger, Brigitte Lahaie, Telly Savalas, Christopher Mitchum, Stephane Audran, Caroline Munro
98 minutes

After his sister’s face is melted off by an unsatisfied customer, plastic surgeon Dr. Flamand (played by Helmut Berger) conducts illegal experiments in order to restore her beauty. He and his assistant (Brigitte Lahaie) pick up models, hookers, and actresses so that Dr. Moser (Anton Diffring), a former Nazi surgeon, can cut their faces off and use them for possible transplant candidates. When they take a model (Caroline Munro) with a rich father (Telly Savalas), they draw the attention of private eye Sam Morgan (Christopher Mitchum). Faces and other human parts are gonna fly!

If you take all the elements of Faceless separately, nothing adds up. Let’s start with the music. While I admit that it is very catchy, the songs are some putrid sub-basement level pop garbage. The score during the horror scenes peps up a bit. The acting is all over the place and the actors are either dubbed or should have been dubbed. But I’ll talk more about that in a moment. The editing gets real impatient during the dialog scenes but that is totally forgivable with this script. The sleazy elements of this movie are very awkward. You can almost feel the pent up frustration of horny old Franco as his actors paw at each other like teenagers in a darkened theater while Jaws: The Revenge plays unwatched up on the screen.

I’ve got to hand it to Jacques Gastineau, the guy can make some splatter happen. His gore effects are quite satisfying here. Maybe his faux heads look a little weak but most of the other parts are solid. Or squishy. Thanks to Gastineau, Faceless has eye violence, severed hands, a nasty rotting head, and, as promised in the title, facelessness. If you’re not at least a little shocked by a certain scene where a face transplant goes awry and some wicked face shredding takes place then my friend, you need to take a break from horror for a while. Go watch some Murder She Wrote until gore means something to you again.

The more I think about this cast, the more my brain aches. Brigitte Lahaie (Grapes of Death), who has never disappointed me EVER is great as the loyal, evil, and insanely greedy Nathalie. Helmut frickin’ Berger (The Bloodstained Butterfly) is in this one and the only way his character could have been any more awesome is if his name had been Dr. Fromage. The great Anton Diffring is totally awesome as the hilariously evil Dr. Moser. Keep your face peeled for a sweet cameo from Lina Romay as the wife of Dr. Orloff. Oh that’s right, there is a Dr. Orloff in this movie and he is played by Howard Vernon. I think I will call him Ho-Vern from now on. You like that?

I will admit that these are some very stiff performances but who cares? This is Euro horror, my friends. Deal with it. Telly Savalas probably wasn’t the only person who didn’t give a shit on the set of Faceless but he’s the only one letting it show. And just for the record, I am softening on the issue of Christopher Mitchum. I used to really dislike this guy but then it dawned on me: He is a B movie actor, so chill, dawg! Those are words from my actual brain. To be fair, he’s actually okay in Faceless. His fight scenes are good and when he meets up face to face with a very dark twist in the plot, the guy gets it together. I wanted to see more of him and Caroline Munro. Their brief scenes together are pretty promising but whaddayagonnado?

I don’t know why but I dig Faceless as much as I do. It might have something to do with the fact that Howard Vernon has more makeup on than Brigitte Lahaie and Caroline Munro combined. It might be the garish lighting and the French cinematographers. Heck, it might even be the presence of one of the worst gay stereotypes ever: the bitchy fashion photographer. I think someone actual told this guy to out-sass the one in The Case of the Bloody Iris. Damn. Anyway, there is just something irresistible about Franco’s adventures in splatter. This and Bloody Moon are good time films and are sure to garner him some fans that will be totally confused when they get to something like Women Without Innocence. Yeah right, I'm the only one dumb enough to watch that!

“You dirty bitch! When I get outta here, I’ll tear your heart out!”

Franco Friday #28: Marquis de Sade's Justine

2011-08-05T07:00:00.063-04:00

Franco Friday #28

Once again, I return to the Franco fray but not for much longer. After 28 weeks, I have come to a decision about my quest. I have handpicked 5 Franco films for the next 5 weeks and they will be the last of the Franco Friday series. You see, I simply cannot continue with this. Every time I reach for a Franco film, it's more softcore porn garbage that I don't want to watch, much less review. This revelation came to me during an aborted attempt at watching The Sexual Story of O. I am so friggin' done with dry-humping and gooch zooms and I refuse to attempt to appreciate this nonsense on my blog anymore. So, instead of 52 films, I am going to pull the plug on this fucker at 33. Don't worry, the last 5 films are going to be good ones. That is one thing I know for certain. I just want to be myself again. Jess Franco is the most evil man in the history of the world. I'm not being melodramatic. You're being melodramatic!

Marqui de Sade: Justine
Directed by Jess Franco
1969
Starring Klaus Kinski, Romina Power, Maria Rohm, Rosemary Dexter, Carmen de Lirio, Jack Palance, Sylvia Koscina, Howard Vernon
124 minutes

"This is the story of Justine and the misfortunes of virtue."

In a prison cell, the Marquis de Sade (played by Klaus Kinsi) is tormented by visions and thus writes the story of Justine. Two girls, Juliette and Justine (Maria Rohm and Romina Power), find out that their father has fled the country in shame with creditors nipping at his heels, leaving them alone in the world. They get kicked out of the convent and sent along their way. Juliette takes up living a life of crime that includes but is not limited to working in a brothel and drowning people. Justine attempts to stay virtuous, ends up losing what little money she has, and goes on all kinds of terrible adventures.

Jess Franco knocks another one out of the park with Justine. This film is full of ribaldry, silliness, beauty and tragedy. It is also a visual spectacle. The lighting is very colorful and the camerawork by Manuel Merino is fantastic. The musical score by the always brilliant Bruno Nicolai is sometimes bombastic, always lush, simply amazing. Yes, my friends, this is very, very classy smut. And it's not all poisoned puppies and thorny roses either because the world is populated by lecherous creeps, whores, crooks, and murderers.

Horst Frank! Sylvia Koscina! Jack Palance! Rosalba Neri! Howard Vernon! (I don't know why I put an exclamation point after Howard Vernon's name.) This is a star-studded affair and everyone is good. Mercedes McCambridge is awesome as Madame Dubois an escaped convict and leader of a pack of ruffians. Klaus Kinski is like a caged animal, tormented by visions of women in chains and spectres. Romina Power is very good as the virtuous and tragic Justine even though, according to trivia, Franco was forced to cast her in the role and hated her performance. Maria Rohm is perfectly devilish as her naughty sister who is more than willing to follow her own wicked excesses to the bitter end. Palance is particularly unhinged in this movie. He gives me the fuckin' creeps, man. Jeez!

My only complaint about this sumptuous production is the running time is 124 minutes! I'm sorry but all the fish eye lenses in the world can't help a film like this stay interesting for that long. I thought Justine was supposed to be 90 minutes so when that came and went, I was kind of let down that this thing kept going. Even with it's bloated running time and meandering plot, I still think that Jess Franco fans will find plenty to enjoy here. According to IMDB, this was Franco's most expensive film and it really shows with it's lavish sets, huge cast, and decadent... um... everything.

"Now remember what I told you, virtue must be avoided. It is sure disaster. And poverty must be avoided at all costs."

1976 Double Feature: The Sexy Killer & Death Weekend

2011-08-04T07:00:00.134-04:00

It seems that every year that I am alive, I get a year older. And every year my birthday is always today, the 4th of August. Weird, right? Anyway, I am here to celebrate with y'all, my internet budz, by checking out a couple more films from my birth year, 1976. Enjoy!

The Sexy Killer
AKA The Drug Connection
Directed by Chung Sun
1976
Starring Ping Chen, Hua Yueh, Wei Szu, Ching Tien, Yang Chiang, Shen Chan
88 minutes

When her sister goes insane after a heroin overdose, Wan Fei (played by Ping Chen) wages her own war against drugs, going undercover as a junkie/hooker and then shaking down (and killing) mofos for information. Her friend Wei-ping (Hua Yueh) is the only uncorrupted cop in the city but his hands are tied. Things get even more complicated when Wen Fei sets her sights on taking down Lung Tou (Shen Chan), a ruthless drug lord and S&M freakazoid, who has his hand in every pot of corruption in the city.

This Shaw Brothers' remake of Coffy is a freakin' riot. It has all the cynicism, sleaze, and melodrama of the original Pam Grier vehicle plus the gratuitous and gleeful slow motion ultra-violence of They Call Her One Eye. And oh my, it all works! The camerawork is perfect and the colors are vibrant and even occasionally searing. From the bombastic opening credit sequence to it's awesome finale, The Sexy Killer's pacing is exceptional with tons of action, over-the-top acting, and disco fabulousness. This might just be my new favorite Shaw Brothers movie. All that's missing is Sid Haig. Highly recommended if you like movies containing hookers, strippers, pimps, drug dealers, and crooked cops.

"Drugs! Drugs! I hate it so much!"

Death Weekend
AKA The House by the Lake
Directed by William Fruet
1976
Starring Brenda Vaccaro, Don Stroud, Chuck Shamata, Richard Ayres, Kyle Edwards
87 minutes

A dentist named Harry (palyed by Chuck Shamata) brings a model named Diane (Brenda Vaccaro) out to his vacation home out in the boonies. He claims that he is having a big get together but this sleazy duder only has one thing on his mind: banging Diane. On the way out to the house, Harry and Diane run afoul of a quartet of violent scumbags led by a guy named Lep (Don Stroud). Thanks to the help of some local yokels, the creeps manage to follow them to the house and they immediately start making trouble. You know this isn’t going to end well. At least, not for Harry.

Home invasion horror meets rape-revenge thriller in Death Weekend, a nasty little piece of 70s insanity that I like more than I should. Director William Fruet would go on to direct some other genre oddities like Funeral Home, Spasms, Killer Party, and Blue Monkey. I can’t find who composed the music for this film but they did a fine job. The music is eerie, pretty, and very good.

I really like Brenda Vaccaro in this film but the script has some pretty terrible moments of “I will speak my thoughts out loud now” and even worse: "ooh am I enjoying this rape?" As usual, her voice is so husky and breathy that it begs parody (not even SCTV could resist) but I really like her character when she gets pushed too far and starts mopping the floor with the baddies. The always dependable Don Stroud steals the film as Lep, a terrifying psycho fuckwad out looking for trouble with his horrible crew of shitpiles. I like how Harry is not only a wimp but also a terrible pervert loser as well. I’m glad the script adds an extra sleazy vibe to the guy but Chuck Shamata barely holds his own and could have gone farther with his role.

While it turned out to be an engrossing and nail-biting film, I wouldn’t call Death Weekend an essential piece of trash cinema. The menace, tension, and mayhem are all delivered successfully but there is little to elevate this above its place among other similar pieces of pointlessly offensive garbage. That being said, I found myself enjoying the film against my will. So if you’re gonna watch this thing, trust me, the end is worth sticking around for. The finale makes up for the uber-unpleasant setup. I’m sure super-producer Ivan Reitman is very proud of this film to this day.

"Jesus, that broad can drive! That pisses me off!"

Hello! This is the Doomed Show #4: Tourist Trap

2011-08-02T08:11:00.000-04:00

Oh snizzap! We're back with another episode. This time we talk about Tourist Trap. Check it out at Podomatic or you can download it right here.

Franco Friday #27: Night of the Skull

2011-07-29T07:00:00.038-04:00

Franco Friday #27

Hey kids. I am finally past the halfway mark on my Franco Friday project. Honestly, I didn't think I would make it this far. I still don't think that I am what you call a 'Jess Franco kind of guy'. But come on, this is number 27! I don't think I have a choice in the matter. Maybe 25 weeks from now, I'll cut the self-denial bit and just accept my place among the Franco freaks.

Night of the Skull
AKA La Noche de los Asesinos
Directed by Jess Franco
1976 (filmed in 1973)
Alberto Dalbes, Evelyne Scott, William Berger, Maribel Hidalgo, Lina Romay, Vicente Roca, Yelena Samarina, Antonio Mayans, Angel Menendez, Luis Barboo
83 minutes

After Lord Archibald Marian (played by Angel Menendez), the patriarch of a large and affluent family, is murdered by a mysterious killer in a skull-like mask, his family gathers on the family estate for the reading of his will. Inspector Bore (Vicente Roca) and Major Oliver Brooks (Alberto Dalbes) are called in to investigate the murder and get more than they bargained for as the bodies of Lord Archibald’s descendants keep popping up. Things get even more nuts when a second will is discovered and it turns out that someone isn’t who they claim to be.

In Night of the Skull, Franco mixes an Edgar Allen Poe (actually Edgar Wallace) story with elements from the krimi and giallo genres with fairly successful results. On a clunky scale of 1-10, 1 being not very clunky and 10 being very clunky, Night of the Skull rates around 11. The killer’s mask is a dime store rubber cheapie and many of the scenes feel like rushed first takes. Surprisingly, instead of patching over the holes with weirdness and sex*, Franco charges forward, delivering a very different film from his usual fare. It is almost as if this wacked out director decided to just cool it and do a normal movie for a change.

The film’s score by Carlo Savina (Fangs of the Living Dead) is superb and really gives the film a special vibe. The camerawork by Javier Perez Zofio is decent enough. There are some out of focus bits (standard Franco) and it’s a little dark at times (which may just be the substandard Image DVD) but he does make the most of the old architecture and decent sets. Now don’t get me wrong, this movie looks cheap as shit most of the time and hastily thrown together for the rest but I’m not complaining.

What this movie needs is more characters! It seems like every time a scene where a character is being introduced ends, another one begins. I don’t mind so much since I dig this cast and everyone is pretty distinct in their respective roles. Alberto Dalbes is especially spirited in this film and gleefully jumps into his role of the energetic and slightly naughty Major Brooks. In one scene, he talks to a woman on the phone while spying on her through a keyhole, even commenting on how good she looks in her nightgown. And this guy is supposed to solve a crime? It’s also nice to see Yelena Samarina (Werewolf Shadow) as intense as ever. She plays Deborah, the stern and very suspicious maid, and she’s just awesome.

Lina Romay is the only one who gets screwed on this one (zing!). Her character Rita, the illegitimate daughter of Lord Archibald, is cold, somber, and damaged almost beyond repair and she does a great job. But then in a couple of scenes, she suddenly starts sobbing and it’s really awkward and terrible. This is the first time I’ve been disappointed with a performance from Romay. Hell, she even stays mostly clothed in this one! I can’t help but think that some better direction would have helped her. But honestly, Lina could have stepped up to the plate in those moments and not been quite so bad.

While it does take some (read as: a lot of) patience and a good attitude (I happen to have a great attitude!), I really like Night of the Skull a whole, whole lot. The murders aren’t bloody but they are quite sadistic. Even with all of the characters, I enjoyed the twisty story and there’s even a very odd séance sequence which always improves a film in my estimation. The atmosphere is that of an old-fashioned gothic chiller and you know, it’s gonna get dicey when there’s an inheritance involved. Some will call this a slapdash mess but Franco won me over once again.

*I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is the Spanish clothed version of Night of the Skull. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if a naughtier version of this film exists somewhere. I really don’t care because all the sex would just fuck up this film’s perfect running time.

400th Post Spectacular

2011-07-27T07:00:00.035-04:00

(Someone please, pat me on the back with a butcher knife.)

Wow. This is insane. Four hundred wastes of time! Huzzah! I'd like to take the time to thank everyone who reads, has read, or doesn't read Cinema Somnabulist. Extra special thanks goes out to my friends who have guest-blogged over the last couple years and helped me reach this milestone. And now... Self indulgence! Here are some things I like:

Slashers in the Night

2011-07-23T07:00:00.008-04:00

Last Memorial Day weekend, I staged a nice little moviethon. In 3 days, I watched 21 slasher movies that I had never seen before. The results were... well... I don't know. This is how it went down.

Franco Friday #26: Virgin Report

2011-07-22T07:00:00.038-04:00

Franco Friday #26: Virgin Report

Hey folks, it is officially the halfway mark of the Franco Friday series so here’s a little something special. My good friend Nafa volunteered to review a Franco film and I gladly and gratefully allowed him to take over this week. See you next Franco Friday, y'all.

Howdy, Nafa here - I'm stepping in this week to take over Franco Friday. Just think of me as Simon of Cyrene to Richard’s messianic figure, stepping in briefly to help alleviate the burden of this wall-eyed cross he has chosen to bear for your sins/entertainment.

Virgin Report
AKA Jungfrauen-Report
Directed by Jess Franco
1972
Starring Hans Hass Jr., Eva Garden, Ingeborg Steinbach
71 minutes
Review by Nafa

First off, let me start with the end credit. This whole thing was based on an idea by someone named Art Bernd. When the revolution comes you now know who to drag into the street first and throw up against the wall.

What are you trying to tell us, Mr. Franco?

To the best of my recollection, this is my first Jess Franco film in its entirety. I’ve heard the rumors about his legacy but scoffed and waved any warnings off. I told Richard to just hand me any old film, sight unseen, and I’ll do it. What I got was Virgin Report, a docu-mocku-sexu-mentary with no coherent storyline and a plot which can be summed up in one word, and it’s a favorite word of Mr. Franco: DEFLORATION.

The film was made in a time when things like sociology, history, and humanities were pure conjecture from utter bullshit. It takes you on a voyage through time and culture to the practices of indigenous peoples and their dealings with virginity. Several times throughout, the film reminds you that it was shot on ‘five continents’, and apart from stock footage I figure those five continents are Europe, Northern Europe, Central-Northern Europe, Berlin, and Europe.

This is what African ecstasy looks like.

What semblance of a story there is begins with Adam and Eve, travels through to the Stone Age, and lands firmly in a German discotheque accosting patrons about their virginity. It’s not so much a film as it is an excuse. It’s motto is, ‘Sex macht frei’ (which is a direct quote from the German-language audio). There is a sudden storyline about an unsatisfied Deutsche fräulein who is unsatisfied with her lover and falls into bed with her older, more experienced neighbor. Kind of like ‘Friends’, only funny. But, just as the story gets steamy, it jumps back to the history lesson, where in one scene we are treated to actual African men... and a Caucasian woman in blackface.

However, I don’t want to give the impression that this film doesn’t teach you something about culture. The indisputable facts I’ve learned from this film are:

- Indians sit nude in anthills for weeks to quash any carnal desires.
- Sicilians to this day use kidnapping and rape to signify intent of marriage.
- Greeks invented the silver dildo.
- Native Americans have sex with trees.
- Indian islanders (WTF?) have sex on hammocks in front of stock footage.
- Amazonian women circumcise men with their sharp blades on their teeth—and it doesn’t hurt.
- Central American women use a serrated knife on themselves to eliminate their virginity.

By far the best (and most cohesive) contribution to this film is the soundtrack, which is up to 1970s finest. It’s pure bliss. Thank you for the slight sedation, Rolf Bauer and Daniel White. And look for the tuba-flatulent priest and the non-German speaking Italian, also brief highlights.

... and SCENE.

I’m not sure what else I can say about this film that hasn’t already been said in obscene gesticulations and strong language. What I will say is, here, take your goddamned cross back, Rick.

More Nafa here.

Hello! This is the Doomed Show - Episode 3: The Vibe

2011-07-18T07:27:00.002-04:00

Instead of just covering one film, for our third episode, Brad and I attack many, many films and "The Vibe". What is the "The Vibe", you ask? Well, it's that practically indescribable sensation you get when watching really great Euro-horror movies. I have talked about it on the blog before here. So yes, this is our epic show. We hope you like. You can download the new episode right here at Mediafire yo.

This episode has been archived and is not currently available at our page at Podomatic. But the Mediafire link above is still active.

Franco Friday #25: The Girl from Rio

2011-07-15T07:00:00.125-04:00

Franco Friday #25

Hey, sorry about last week. I kind of flipped out. Lorna the Exorcist almost made me quit this entire Franco Friday thing. I decided to make a list of the Franco films I wanted to watch, not the ones I felt I had to, and before I knew I it, I had 10 more movies I wanted to see. So dig this, in order to lift my spirits out of the gutter, the next 5 Franco Fridays will be films that I am actually looking forward to. Then I'll be ready to get back into the softcore bullcrap again. Here we go.

The Girl from Rio
AKA Rio 70
Directed by Jess Franco
1969
Starring Shirley Eaton, Richard Wyler, George Sanders, Maria Rohm, Herbert Fleischmann, Marta Reves, Elisa Montes
94 minutes

After stealing 10 million dollars in stolen money, Jeff Sutton (played by Richard Wyler) finds himself on the run in Rio de Janeiro. First he is pursued by Sir Masius (George Sanders), a gangster with as much style and class as he does henchman and trust me, he has a lot of henchmen. Next, Jeff runs afoul of the mysterious Sumuru (Shriley Eaton), a mysterious woman who has managed to acquire enough wealth and female followers to form Femina, a country of deadly women with very strict laws and extremely skimpy outfits. But don't you worry, men of the world, the insatiable and irresistible Jeff has a few tricks up his sleeve.

And so it begins: a woman in a mesh dress writhing around in the mist of a smoke machine. Could this be the one? No, there are two problems with The Girl from Rio: 1. the leading man is wretchedly awful and 2. there is a major lull in action in the middle of the film. I'll get to both of those things in a moment. Obviously, this film is not meant to be taken seriously. It's kooky, silly, campy, and cheap in all the right places but I wouldn't go so far as to call it likable. I'm afraid The Girl from Rio is just too off to be classic Franco. Not even the excellent score by Daniel White can save the day. The music is a combination of sultry pop (the theme song is to die for), jazz, and lush orchestral goodness. That and the excellent cinematography are the best parts of this darn movie.

Almost everyone in this movie is pretty amazing. Almost. Shirley Eaton (Goldfinger) attacks her insane role with lots of gusto. George Sanders of All About Eve (!) is slumming it but seems to be having a great time, reading Popeye comics and clowning around. Maria Rohm, Elisa Montes, and Marta Reves are all vivacious and just wonderful to watch on screen. So what the fuck is up with Richard Wyler? He's going for a James Bond/Lee Marvin kind of a thing but fails at both. If this guy had stopped trying to be tough or too cool for school and actually squeezed some charm into his performance, he might have actually worked out. But no, his character is a smarmy dick and he literally has one good moment in the entire film.

Like I was saying before, The Girl from Rio has a major boring bit in the middle. Even the musical score just kind of stops for a while. This occurs while Jeff is being held prisoner in Femina. When the film should have been more hallucinogenic, comedic, or just over-the-top, it just slows down to a crawl. All the crazy costumes and naked lady flesh on display don't make up for how I bored I was during this part. This part segues into some Carnival footage taken in Rio that would show up again in Venus in Furs. Yeah, it's not interesting here either.

All complaints aside, I still enjoyed the beginning, the end, and the afterglow of The Girl from Rio. This film is very uneven but the enjoyable bits are very, very rewarding. And if you happen to dig on Richard Wyler's douchebagel performance then you might even like this even more than I did. Any time that Elisa Montes is on camera, I am happy. She is the bright shining star of this movie and steals every scene she's in. So yeah, Franco made a cheesy comedy S&M crime/spy caper but managed to make it boring. Go figure.

"What kind of a space age sorceress are you?"

Franco Friday #24: Lorna the Exorcist

2011-07-08T07:01:00.041-04:00

Franco Friday #24

Okay, what the shit, man? I really don’t want to do this anymore. I am at the stage where I just dread every Franco film I have lined up to watch. I am so sick of this fucking guy and his stupid bullshit. I’m not talking about the out of focus camera, the slack-jawed idiocy of the dubbing, or the constant recycling of plots. It’s the sex; the endless softcore (bordering on hardcore) sex. I hate it, I’m sick of it. I hate what it’s doing to my blog. I feel like a sleazy porno freak. This whole 52 Franco Fridays deal was a terrible idea. Remember when I used to talk about horror movies? Gialli? Yeah, me neither.

Lorna the Exorcist
Directed by Jess Franco
1974
Starring Pamela Stanford, Guy Delorme, Lina Romay, Jacqueline Laurent, Howard Vernon
100 minutes

19 years ago, Patrick Mariel sold his unborn daughter to Lorna (Pamela Stanford) for wealth and unimaginable sexual pleasure. It’s like that old saying: A man who sells his daughter to a witch is a son of a bitch. What? You don’t know that one? It’s pretty famous. Well, his daughter Linda (Lina Romay) is all grown up and Lorna is coming to collect. She gives Linda all of her mystical sex powers or something. Crabs crawling out of vaginas!

The score for Lina the Exorcist is incredible. The slinky, sexy, fuzzed out, and sad guitar makes me feel more than a little anxious. The dubbing is awful (so of course, I love it) and this movie is too long. There are some long-winded gambling scenes and dull disco dancing scenes but what I’m really tired of is all the endless softcore porn on display. Sorry folks, it’s just boring. The plot is darkly ironic and breathtakingly cruel and the damned characters are fascinating. But these things don’t stand a chance when the movie just keeps going back to the sex over and over and over again.

Pamela Stanford again! Yay! I just saw and loved her in Blue Rita but now I never want to see her again. In this film her eye shadow looks like it was applied with Homer Simpson’s makeup shotgun. She looks like a Ziggy Stardust disco demon. She looks like something Abba threw up. And her character’s full name is Lorna Green. Seriously? Is this a veiled reference to Lorne Greene of TV’s Bonanza? Man, I am freaking out! My favorite character other than Lorna is Marianne (played by Jacqueline Laurent), Patrick’s poor schmuck of a wife who gets a really bum deal in this deal with the devil.

Atmosphere? It’s got it. Weirdness? It’s got it. Slow motion bizarreness? Yeah, it’s got that too. But who cares? I don’t. I have to warn you: don’t listen to me and don’t trust this review. I am not myself right now but that’s my fault. This director and I are going through a rough patch. Lorna the Exorcist is nothing but endless shots of vaginas and bush. Oh and there’s a bloody dildo. This might be a good and challenging movie but I can’t help but wish this was the clothed version. So now I like censorship? That’s Jess Franco’s (and Lina Romay's vagina's) fault. This is one extreme and depressing piece of cinematic insanity. And although the ending is awesome, I can’t recommend this to anyone but the most dedicated Franco fans. I know because I’m not a Franco fan and watching this film made me want to kick someone’s face in.

Here's a much better review.

“Good evening, Patrick. I want your daughter.”

Macross Weekend

2011-07-03T10:05:00.001-04:00

For no reason whatsoever other than extreme nerdiness and nostalgia (and because I need a break from Jess Franco), I'm watching The Super Dimension Fortress Macross, which became the first season of my beloved childhood favorite: Robotech, all weekend long. That's 36 episodes and the theatrical film. In its Japanese form, the show is just as watchable and a lot less confusing. Elements of the plot that Harmony Gold, the production company that brought Robotech to North America, either wouldn't or couldn't show/explain are suddenly clear as a bell. Like, just what the fuck is "protoculture" anyway?

When season 3 of Robotech aired, some controversy in the Schmidt household came along and ruined everything. The one time my mom watched the show with me just happened to be the one time where a character died on screen. Well, she freaked out right then and there and forbid me from ever watching Robotech again. While I won't be watching the second seasons and third seasons of Robotech (which were actually two different anime series with similar mecha designs), I did find the exact scene that led to the embargo on Japanese robots in my house. Here it is:

(Make sure your kids aren't in the room!)

Franco Friday #23: Blue Rita

2011-07-01T07:00:00.017-04:00

Franco Friday #23

It's like I told my friend Brad the other night: "It is time once again for me to get Franco'd in the Jesshole." And what better way to do that than by watching a film that I was both dreading and looking forward to. So please, read my review. What would you be doing if you weren't reading it, huh? Shooting paintballs at stop signs? Is that your new thing? Man, you've changed.

Blue Rita
AKA Das Frauenhaus
Directed by Jess Franco
1977
Starring Martine Flety, Sarah Strasberg, Dagmar Burger, Pamela Stanford, Eric Falk
75 minutes

Blue Rita (played by Martine Flety) is more than just a stripper, she's also a madam (you know, the boss of hooker kind) and an extortionist of money and secrets. With the help of her assistants, Gina (Pamela Stanford) and Franchesca (Sarah Strasberg), she lures men into her nightclub/brothel, captures, and tortures them for profit. The torture is the sexy kind because Franchesca has whipped up a green goo that makes men super horny. When duders are hard up, they talk; they always talk. There is a new girl among her evil team. Her name is Sam (Dagmar Burger) and she is hot stuff. She is instantly assigned only two tasks: seduce dudes and be Blue Rita's lover.

Pretty soon, Sam is given the task of catching the eye of boxing champ, Janusch Lassard (Eric Falk), and adding him to Blue Rita's collection. She does this easily but she can't seem to stay cold and calculating like she's supposed to. There's just something about this guy that Sam can't resist. But that's not all that's going wrong; things are spinning out of control in Blue Rita's organization. It seems that there is a traitor among her most trusted accomplices and Interpol is closing in.

What I love about Blue Rita is that the plot feels like it was written by a pervert (what, no way!) but one with the brain of an 11 year old (oh, I see). Though the budget is very small, it is obvious that the producers of this movie were very nurturing to Franco's needs as a director and (presumably) gave him complete freedom. It kind of reminds me of Jean Rollin's Bacchanales Sexuelles only way more stoned. Even if you have no interest in seeing Blue Rita, the LSD-addled opening credit sequence alone is worth watching. The lighting and the camerawork compete with one another to see who can outdo each other in the garishly tacky department.

The cast of this film is frickin' excellent. Everyone has a bizarre or goofily written part and they all go for the gold or at least the cheese. Martine Flety is great as the diabolical, often undulating, and sadistic Blue Rita. Her backstory is that she was tortured with a red hot poker in a very private place so she takes great pleasure in torturing men. Don't worry though, Franchesca is whipping up a pink potion to slowly rehabilitate Blue Rita's vajayjay. I really dig Sarah Strasberg too. She looks really familiar and her wide-eyed surprise takes are friggin' genius.

My two favorite ladies in Blue Rita are Pamela Stanford and Dagmar Burger. Burger is very charming as Sam (her name in the German version is Sun, btw). I wasn't that sure about her at first. She seemed distant, not that into it, and she has this mannish body that just makes me feel strange inside. But of course, she totally rocks in her role and I love her to pieces! Stanford is outrageous as Gina, the -I don't know- vampish muscle behind the operation. She runs over a hooker with a car, wears a very revealing silver jumpsuit and gigantic sunglasses, and just exudes sexiness in every shot. Her character gets a raw deal in this movie. That's gratitude for ya.

I guarantee you will not believe your eyes when you see Blue Rita. This is Franco combining the experimental with both fun and intentional hilarity. Eric Falk gets a fight sequence that had me falling out of my chair with laughter. If you like drug inspired flights of fancy wrapped in an sickly sweet candy shell or you just have an inflatable furniture fetish, check this out immediately. Let me give you an idea how fucking ridiculous this is: with only 10 minutes left, I found myself saying "Wait, this is a Cold War spy caper?" My only criticism of this film are some of the softcore sex scenes and stripping sequences are too long but no where near as bad or as interminable as the ones in some of this director's other works (Macumba Sexual, in particular). Blue Rita is very close to essential Franco.

"I'll take you to my friend Andre. He has lovely little piranhas in his pool."

Franco Friday #22: The Diabolical Dr. Z

2011-06-24T07:00:00.118-04:00

Franco Friday #22

The first time I saw The Diabolical Dr. Z, I hated it. I'm not sure exactly why but I think it had more to do with owning a Mondo Macabro DVD than it did watching Jess Franco. Whatever the case, I was disappointed beyond belief. Revisiting this film now... well, you'll see. I'm getting closer and closer to the halfway mark, people. Let's hope I don't run out of Francos. Oh wait, I can't.

The Diabolical Dr. Z
AKA Miss Muerte
Directed by Jess Franco
1966
Starring Antonio Jimenez Escribano, Guy Mairesse, Howard Vernon, Mabel Karr, Fernando Montes, Estella Blain
86 minutes

Lightning, the roar of thunder, and it begins. Hans Bergen (played by Guy Mairesse), a murderous fiend, escapes from prison the day before his execution. He manages to get as far as the home of Dr. Zimmer (Antonio Jiminez Escribano). Dr. Zimmer is ecstatic because he needs a human test subject for his mind control experiments and who better than a man the world would be better off without. The scientific community shuns Dr. Zimmer and he drops dead right there at the big sciency conference.

Dr. Zimmer's daughter Irma (Mabel Karr) vows revenge on the three scientists whom she believes are responsible for the death of her dear, beloved daddy. She carries on with his work (his dying request, of course) but not until after she fakes her own death, horribly burns her face, and practices plastic surgery on herself. Huh? Yeah, I know. Anyway, Irma uses Hans Bergen, her assistant Barbara (Ana Castor), and a beautiful exotic dancer Nadja (Estella Blain) to carry about her fiendish- no, DIABOLICAL plot.

Sometimes Franco is just Franco and sometimes Franco is on fire! I am kicking myself for not loving this movie the first time around. For some reason, it took watching 21 other Franco movies to make me appreciate The Diabolical Dr. Z which is silly because of how easy this film is to get into. Despite some corny plot holes and a bunch of nonsensical pseudoscience, this film has great pacing and cool characters. There is also razor sharp and energetic cinematography from Alejandro Ulloa, the man who shot some excellent titles like Horror Express, Companeros, and Paul Naschy's Night of the Werewolf.

The cast is excellent but I simply adore Mabel Karr. She truly gives her all in her role and is quite frightening with her tireless obsession to complete her mission of vengeance. Estella Blain is ten kinds of sexy and nails it as the reluctant (and insanely sexy) murder weapon. It is against her nature to kill but mad science makes it impossible for her to disobey. Another one of Franco's damned damsels? I love it!

I won't call this a favorite but The Diabolical Dr. Z has gone way, way up on my list of Jess Franco films that everyone should see (though I wouldn't call this a good starting point). Even with it's clunkier moments (jump-cuts, continuity issues, etc.), the film is dynamic in writing and inventive in execution. One thing I greatly appreciate about Dr. Z is the pacing; it just flies by! In the shadow of Dr. Orloff, this films packs on the weirdness, the beauty, and the fun.

Last Night's Double Feature, No Seriously

2011-06-23T11:04:00.001-04:00

Last night, my friend Nafa and I watched two movies in a row. First, we watched Battlefield Earth and we followed it up with The Master of Disguise. I wish that I had somehow recorded this monumental event in audio form but I know you would grow tired of me screaming and cursing at his TV for 3 hours and 20 minutes. Nafa and I won't be speaking for many, many years. At least, not to each other.

Here are my notes on Battlefield Earth.

No, I did not write anything down about Master of Disguise.

Of course there's no trailer for this online.

Blow the dome!

Franco Friday #21: Jack the Ripper

2011-06-17T07:00:00.044-04:00

Franco Friday #21

Another Friday, another Franco. Another Franco Friday! I cannot wait until the halfway mark and then I'll be all like woot woot! tiger pants take me to the challenge of the furniture fair be my poppy stilts hee hee hee haw haw terrible trouble these babushkas leopard LEOPARD LEOOOOOOPARD! Well, it may not go exactly like that but you get the idea.

Jack the Ripper
Directed by Jess Franco
1976
Starring Klaus Kinski, Josephine Chaplin, Andreas Mannkopff, Herbert Fux, Hans Gaugler, Lina Romay, Nikola Weiss
92 minutes

In the magical city known as London, a serial murderer known as Jack the Ripper has been killing and mutilating prostitutes. The killer is Dr. Dennis Orloff (played by Klaus Kinski), a seemingly kind though completely mad physician who specializes in treating the poor. Inspector Selby (Andreas Mannkopff) is on the case and is struggling with both a lack of evidence combined and moronic witnesses including a blind man (Hans Gaugler) with a great sense of smell. The inspector’s girlfriend Cynthia (Josephine Chaplin) decides to help him catch “Saucy Jack” by going undercover as a prostitute.

In 1976, Jess Franco sought out to make the most historically accurate, dare I say it: factually perfect film on the Jack the Ripper case. Through tireless research, he- Naw, I’m just fucking with ya! In 1976, Jess Franco went to Switzerland and directed this sleazy and nasty film. Don’t let the terrible English dubbing fool you, this is a competently made film with great lighting, camerawork, and set design. The sleaze factor is very high, especially with Jack the Ripper acting like Jack the Raper. I enjoyed the score for the film. It has a nightmarish carnival-esque quality to it.

Klaus Kinski is okay in this movie. His character is methodical, cold, and mostly emotionless. His best moments are when he smiles and acts charming with the ladies in order to ensnare them. I really liked his insane and yet completely devoted assistant/housekeeper (played by Nikola Weisse) who likes to play with the bodies of his victims. Josephine Chaplin is cute but doesn’t get a whole lot to do. Andreas Mannkopff is pretty mediocre as the inspector but he gets very little in terms of characterization to work with. Lina Romay, playing a singing call girl, meets a particularly brutal end but it’s okay because she gets to lip sync a bawdy song. For your amusement, here are the lyrics:

If you’re feeling warm
Come and see my charm
If you’re feeling hot
Don’t talk a lot

Ba da buta buta buta buta bum
Ba da buta buta buta buta bum
We’ll do
Be do bedo bedo bebo bedo bum bink
Exactly what you think

Come feel my ears
My love-ly tits
If you have the brass
I’ll give you me ass

My skin is fine
My lips are for you
Look at my eye
I’m easy to lay

The only downsides to the film are a few shrill characters, weak writing, and some long dialog scenes while Selby goes over the facts of the case. And once again, Franco mines his previous works by borrowing most of this film's plot from his own classic, The Awful Dr. Orloff. Other than those meager gripes, I really dug the darkly entertaining Jack the Ripper. The material is not exactly what I would call uplifting but Euro-sleaze aficionados will find much to celebrate here. There are some jokes in the film but comic relief comes from the English dub. It is splendidly piss poor with all kinds of faux-Cockney garbage (just wait until you hear the hilariously effeminate cop). The gore effects are cheap but are wet and stomach churning. And for you Franco-heads in the audience, there is a nice hallucinatory moment when we get to see inside the mind of Jack the Ripper.

“Yes, it gives me a bad bellyache, this filthy fog!”

The Tiffany Shepis Interview

2011-06-14T13:36:00.000-04:00

Whoa, how did this happen? In a streak of what some people call "productivity", I have managed to land another interview. Who is on a roll? This guy. Click here to check out my freakin' interview with none other than Tiffany Shepis.

Franco Friday #20: Daughter of Dracula

2011-06-10T07:00:00.049-04:00

Franco Friday #20

Twenty weeks ago I started something that seemed ridiculous and now I know that it is just that. Ridiculous. And I love it. Originally, the plan was to watch seven Franco movies and post a review a day for seven days. Then I foolishly decided to dedicate myself to this fucking lunatic for a year. This director has already taken this blog, my movie queue, and my poor stupefied brain places they were never meant to go. I was never meant to see this many Jess Franco movies. None of this was supposed to happen and yet, everything is my fault. Hey, hey, hey! Only 32 more to go!

Daughter of Dracula
AKA La Fille de Dracula
Directed by Jess Franco
1972
Starring Britt Nichols, Anne Libert, Alberto Dalbes, Howard Vernon, Daniel White, Jess Franco, Fernando Bilbao
79 minutes

Luisa Karlstein (played by Britt Nichols) returns to the Karlstein estate just in time to hear her mother’s dying request. Her croakin’ mom wants her to take a key, go to the family crypt, and have a look (there were no other instructions) at their undead ancestor, Count Karlstein AKA Dracula (Howard Vernon). Next thing you know someone is drinking the blood of local sexy ladies. Inspector Ptuschko (Alberto Dables) is trying to solve the murders and he enlists the help of Charlie the reporter (Fernando Bilbao) to do some extra snooping around the Karlstein place. Meanwhile, Luisa is behaving very strangely and starts up a relationship with her hot cousin Karine (Anne Libert). There is also a subplot. Maybe two. I don’t know.

This is probably the closest thing to a parody of a Jess Franco film I’ve seen so far although I’m not sure Franco knew he was parodying himself. First, the plot mirrors his only moderately interesting (that might be too kind) 1962 gothic flick, The Sadistic Baron von Klaus. Second, the cast is either misdirected, miserable, or underused but I’ll get to that later. Third, the film is pathetically staged and choppily edited (which I like). And finally, The Daughter of Dracula feels like a half-hearted attempt at making a giallo. There are several scenes where the imagery on display feels very reminiscent of the Italian whodunits so popular at the time. I wish the film had gone more for the gothic feel or the giallo bit because it doesn’t do both very well at all.

Let’s talk about the cast. I feel bad about Howard Vernon* even being in this movie but he does have the easiest job. He’s all done up in the Dracula makeup and he sits up, flashes the fangs, and then lays down again. He does this two or three times in the film, gets a stake in the head (very original) and that’s it. Britt Nichols kind of does the same thing except she gets to walk around. While she pulls some awesome faces and delivers one of the most ludicrous bitch-slaps I’ve ever seen, Nichols is still pretty out of it in this movie and just really dull.

Alberto Dalbes plays the inspector character very well, getting surly, sarcastic, and generally fed up with all the losers he has to put up with. Fernando Bilbao is rather annoying as Charlie, the goofy journalist. Oddly enough, Jess Franco is pretty decent in this as Cyril Jefferson, a side character that is actually pretty interesting. He is a well-read and tortured individual who believes wholeheartedly in the occult. He makes a potentially bland cameo into something memorable and interesting.

Of course, there is a show stealer in the bunch. Anne Libert! This chick friggin’ rules The Daughter of Dracula. I’m not sure how to put it into words exactly. There is just something special about this actress. She is adorable and one of the only members of the cast who seems to be having a good time. There, I put it into words. Her character is the sad victim in all of this craziness and it is impossible not to pity her cruel fate.

While it fails on almost every level, I have to say that Daughter of Dracula was not a waste of my time at all. The melodrama and the inept silliness go together perfectly. The gothic overtones, creaky library music, cryptic dialog, and the beautiful locations also help save the day. My biggest complaint is about the overlong sex scenes. I know I complain about these all the time in Franco films but the awkward lovin’ between Nichols and Libert are especially bad and they spend a lot of time going nowhere. It’s not about my prudishness (for a change), there is just no chemistry between these two ladies. But like I was saying, I still enjoyed Daughter of Dracula, it is completely accidentally entertaining because Franco was just so unbelievably off his game. File under moderately interesting/unessential. Ugh, I'm going to stop saying "File under..." from now on. Whose schtick is that anyway?

*Duh, I just remembered that Howard Vernon was as still as a freakin' statue in Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein. I guess that is method acting or something.

My Skull Can Beat Up Your Skull

2011-06-08T07:00:00.010-04:00

How freakin' psyched am I? Pretty psyched. I got to interview Joe and Dan from the one and only Bleeding Skull site. Here are the results. Check it the fuck out. Don't be scared. Don't.

In an unrelated note, the new Battles album came out yesterday.

Celebrate good times, yeah, come on.

The Moviethon Vlog Episode #1: Horror Movie Books

2011-06-07T07:30:00.001-04:00

Screen Shot Grab Bag: Cameron Mitchell

2011-06-06T07:00:00.016-04:00

Franco Friday: Two Undercover Angels

2011-06-03T07:00:00.001-04:00

Franco Friday #19

I’m riding a wave of vanilla Franco. Things may be a little naughty but I’m in a safe place once again. Why challenge myself when I can just slip into something less comfortable and more restrictive and safely observe Miss Reynaud and Miss Yanni in skimpy clothes? Thank you, Mr. Franco. I’m a freak now.

Two Undercover Angels
AKA Sadist Erotica
Directed by Jess Franco
1969
Starring Janine Reynaud, Rosanna Yanni, Chris Howland, Alexander Engel, Marcelo Arroita-Jauregui, Manolo Atero
76 minutes

For the past 2 years, 8 beautiful women have disappeared and each case has too many coincidences not to be related. This looks like a job for Diana and Regina (Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni), the Red Lips detective agency. In pursuit of the killer, the two run into all kinds of seedy and strange characters. Their chief suspect is an artist named Thiller whose paintings and sculptures resemble the victims. The closer the girls get to solving the case, the more people are trying to kill them with machine guns, hairy-handed henchmen, and exploding vases of flowers. Some people call it danger, Diana and Regina call it Tuesday.

The last thing in the world I expected from the horrifying and oversexed brain of Jess Franco is a flair for comedic films. Two Undercover Angels is very amusing on purpose and when the intentional laughs fail, the goofy and accidentally brilliant passages holding everything together just make the film even more delightful. The only complaint I have is that this film is so thinly plotted that when it ended, I realized that almost nothing had happened at all. But who cares? Personally, I got lost in the gags and the jiggling bobbins.

One thing that makes these European delights so entertaining is the way they are dubbed. There are scenes where the jokes and naughty double entendres are delivered with lots of attitude and perfect timing. Other times, the same actors have a huge paragraph to read and they robotically and speedily spout off completely trite and unnecessary bullshit further adding to the hilarity of the film. Throw in some swingin’ jazz music and I couldn’t be happier aurally.

There are times when I wish there had been 100 Red Lips detective movies but I also have a feeling that the two films might be more than enough. Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni are just as vivacious, charming, and funny as they were in Kiss Me Monster (the better of the two films). As for how far out Franco gets, Rosanna Yanni even gets a scene when her character talks directly to the cameraman. Frickin’ brilliant and totally bizarre! Though it is as far from the typical Jess Franco fare (does such a thing exist?), Two Undercover Angels is perfect for when you need some brainless and groovy Euro-fun and just a little kink.

“Oh such a dirty deal! And I was just at the hairdresser!”

Hello! This is the Doomed Show Episode 2: Next of Kin

2011-05-31T08:35:00.002-04:00

Well, holy heck in a hand-basket! It seems to me that those crazy boys, Richard and Brad, have recorded another episode of the Doomed Show. Yikes, I don't think I should talk about myself in the 3rd person anymore. This episode is about the New Zealand/Australian horror flick Next of Kin. You can download the episode right here. Give it a listen and rock out to it. As always, drop us a line with questions, comments, criticisms, and witty retorts.

Franco Friday: Revenge in the House of Usher

2011-05-27T07:00:00.049-04:00

The Franco slump is over! The last three films were a freakin' chore. I feel as though this awful movie just saved the day. Leave it to one of the worst examples of Franco's... DARE I SAY IT?... genius to get me through the badness. Oh yeah. Don't let that VHS cover fool you, there isn't a power tool within miles of this flick.

Franco Friday #18

Revenge in the House of Usher
AKA Neurosis
Directed by Jess Franco
1982
Starring Howard Vernon, Antonio Mayans, Lina Romay, Fata Morgana, Daniel White, Francois Blanchard, Olivier Mathot, Jean Tolzac
90 minutes

Dr. Alan Hacker (played by Antonio Mayans) travels to the castle of his old professor, Dr. Usher (Howard Vernon). Hacker quickly learns that his old teacher has gone mad. Aside from claiming that he is 200 years old, Usher is obsessed with resurrecting his dead daughter by giving her blood transfusions from unwilling girls he’s kidnapped. Usher has a bevy of servants at his disposal including the blind Morpho (Olivier Mathot), the portly Mathias (Jean Tolzac), and the lovely Helen the housekeeper (Lina Romay). None of these fools can help him with his craziness. Dr. Usher is haunted by the ghostly figures led by the spirit of his dead wife. And of course, in true Usher family fashion, the damn castle is gonna collapse.

I think Revenge in the House of Usher gets labeled as one of Jess Franco's worst because it has been out on home video (either in VHS or DVD) in the States for a long time. All of those people should have seen Eugenie de Sade and only like six people (myself included) should have even heard of this film. I have my problems with it but I enjoyed this inept romp probably more than I should have. This film’s biggest offence: it uses footage from The Awful Dr. Orloff as flashbacks for Dr. Usher. Normally, I would consider this to be totally unforgivable but I figured out that if you were to remove (or fast forward through) the 15 minutes (!) of Orloff footage, you get this film down to a much more digestible 75 minutes. There are even the ubiquitous characters named Dr. Seward and Morpho.

One problem is that the film is obviously two different shoots, possibly two different sets of players, slapped together. The musical score for the film feels like it’s been culled from the library. I doubt an original score would have done much to improve this film but hey, why not, right? The camerawork is excellent with lots of interesting angles. The same camerawork is also quite sloppy with out of focus bits and lots of annoying bouncing (this may have been the print I was watching but still). Luckily, this castle setting, that I’ve seen many Franco films take place in, is always very photogenic.

So what the hell? This sounds terrible! It is terrible but it’s also the best kind of terrible. If viewed as a gothic comedy with occasional bits of horror and atmosphere, then Revenge in the House of Usher succeeds in every way. It’s almost all the fault of the horrendous dubbing, something I am beginning to appreciate more and more from these Euro-cheapies. If this flick wasn’t meant to be a comedy then no one informed the voice actors. The voice actor who dubs Howard Vernon is so outrageously bad in this film that he deserves some kind of an award or free pancakes for a year or something.

My soul asked for it and the gods have listened. I begged with my heart of hearts for Lina Romay to keep her damn clothes on and she finally listened. It is astonishing to me that Lina Romay full clothed and acting seductive is 1000x sexier than her writhing around in ecstasy completely naked. She may have once been a contender for the title of Greatest Pair of Eurotrash-Bobbins ever but after film upon film of her undulating in her birthday suit, I needed a fucking break. And I love her character in this one too. Helen is the devoted servant who falls before the feet of Dr. Usher, begging him to love her. But hey, she’s still a horny woman with needs, you know? She’s gotta try to get some on the side.

I can see why people don’t like this film. It is a hard pill to swallow what with how stupid and lazy it was made. The use of 15 minutes from another film is inexcusable. But damn it, Revenge in the House of Usher works especially when it doesn't. Alongside all of the goofy and utterly hilarious crap, there lingers a spooky mood and more than two heaping bucketfuls of weirdness. If you enjoyed either Rites of Frankenstein or Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein, there’s no way you’re not going to at least find this flick amusing. There’s a game of ring around the rosies, some ladies chained up in the dungeon, and enough slapdash confounding bullshit to make you crack a smile, all just waiting for you.

“Look Seward, I’m not very well versed in this new science of psychoanalysis. In any event, you don’t start at the age of 200 which is how old he claims to be!”

Horror For Every Year I've Been Alive

2011-05-26T10:50:00.002-04:00

I stole this idea from Death Rattle and WWQTW and modified it slightly. List every year that you've been on this planet and pick your favorite horror film from that year. It seems pretty simple, right? Oh shit. The friggin' 90s are gonna suck. Hmmm... I sure wish I could do this off the top of my head. I wonder if there's some kind of a tool I could use? How about this! If I've actually reviewed something in here, them shits is linked.

One more thing, I swear I am not trying to be eclectic and intentionally obscure with my choices. I chose the film that I currently love the most and/or the one I want to watch the most right now. This is not a list that caters to the films I've seen the most times or to just the ones I've reviewed. Does that make sense? Anyway, here I go.

1976 - The House with the Laughing Windows
1977 - House AKA Hausu
1978 - Terror
1979 - Tourist Trap
1980 - Anthropophagus
1981 - The House by the Cemetery
1982 - Slumber Party Massacre
1983 - Zeder
1984 - A Nightmare on Elm Street
1985 - Phenomena
1986 - Night of the Creeps
1987 - Hellraiser
1988 - Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
1989 - The Church
1990 - Baby Blood
1991 - Hiruko the Goblin
1992 - Wicked City
1993 - Return of the Living Dead 3
1994 - Cemetery Man AKA Dellamorte Dellamore
1995 - Eko Eko Azarak: Wizard of Darkness
1996 - Scream
1997 - I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998 - Urban Legend
1999 - The Rage: Carrie 2
2000 - Tomie: Replay
2001 - Ichi the Killer
2002 - May
2003 - High Tension
2004 - Toolbox Murders
2005 - The Red Shoes
2006 - The Abandoned
2007 - Inside
2008 - The Strangers
2009 - Halloween II
2010 - My Soul to Take
2011 - Scream 4

Damn, this was rather painful. So many runners-up! I could make ten more lists like this just on the ones that didn't make the cut. And the 90s were easier than I thought. The millennium was actually the most work. My choices from 2010 and 2011 (especially since I haven't seen jack squat as far as newness goes so far this year) are subject to change but I gotta hand it to Wes Craven. The guy made me very happy two years in a row.

The Frankenstein Syndrome

2011-05-25T07:00:00.004-04:00

Hey gang, there's a new review up at Doomed Moviethon. It's for The Frankenstein Syndrome starring none other than scream queen Tiffany Shepis. You can check out the review right here. Hey, you... PUT DOWN THAT SCALPEL!

ZZ Top - "TV Dinners"

2011-05-24T08:12:00.002-04:00

Screen Shot Grab Bag: He Knows You're Alone

2011-05-22T17:50:00.000-04:00

Franco Friday #17: The Sadistic Baron von Klaus

2011-05-20T07:00:00.023-04:00

Oh man, now I feel like I'm in a rut. Send flowers.

Franco Friday #17

The Sadistic Baron von Klaus
AKA La Mano de un Hombre Muerto
Directed by Jess Franco
1962
Starring Howard Vernon, Hugo Blanco, Gogo Rojo, Fernando Delgado, Paula Martel, Ann Castor
95 minutes

Ludwig (played by Hugo Blanco) rushes home to find his mother on her deathbed. She reveals to him that his grandfather was a total sicko and she fears that the von Klaus family line is cursed. She also gives Ludwig a key to the Baron’s private torture chamber below the castle so that he can see for himself how bad the duder was. Meanwhile, the raped and mutilated bodies of beautiful young ladies have been popping up around the nearby village and the people are convinced that it’s the ghost of Baron von Klaus.

Okay, what happened? All the right pieces are here but none of them fit together. Jess Franco’s The Sadistic Baron von Klaus is pretty disappointing. After the gothic gem that is The Awful Dr. Orloff, I was hoping for something much better than this. The black and white cinematography is stunning, the jazz music in the soundtrack is jazzy, and the ladies are sexy. Are these enough to make a great film? Nope. There are too many uninteresting, obnoxious, and flat characters, there isn’t enough of a spooky atmosphere, and worst of all, the plot hits a major lull in the middle and never recovers.

The sets and scenery are both beautiful but it just doesn’t matter when it’s impossible to care what is going to happen next. Comedic moments and charming asides fail when I was constantly checking how much is left of the running time. The sexually sadistic content is shocking when one considers what year this film was released but I’m not impressed. I think The Sadistic Baron von Klaus was directed by an either overconfident or overwhelmed director. It almost feels too cool to bother being entertaining and not smart enough to make up the difference. This is a shame because the film starts off quite strong with an undeniable sense of foreboding and ends with a heart-wrenchingly tragic finale (even though I didn't give two shits about the characters).

I have a sneaking suspicion that I may have to revisit this film someday. The more I bash it, the more I feel like I missed something important. I have been annoyed with Franco before but I’ve never been this violently bored. To be continued (maybe)...

Doomed Discussiethon: Video Wars

2011-05-19T07:36:00.001-04:00

Today is unlike any other day for today is the day when Nafa and I discuss the best left forgotten film called Video Wars. The problem is we can't forget it. There's too much at stake. Go here to see what you are glad you are missing. My life has taken on new meaning.

Also, there is one nude bum in the screenshots. Just warning ya.

Video is unrelated.

Wednesday Ramble: Clam of the Rape Bare

2011-05-18T09:22:00.000-04:00

I can sit here and come up with a hundred titles of films I'd wish I'd never seen. Like Sliver, Murder By Numbers, Deadly Impact, McHale's Navy, whatever. There is a subcategory here that I'm sure some of you can relate to. I'm talking about films that I wish I had never seen with my parents. The biggest offender and one of the worst films ever made... Clan of the Cave Bear.

In case you don't know, the film is about a blond cavegirl named Aaliyah (played Daryl Hannah) who gets orphaned from her family because of global warming. She gets taken in by some swarthy cavemen. When she grows up, she is all hot and stuff but of course because she's fair-skinned and blond, all the caveduders think she's a dog. Whoa! Take that, dominant Aryan paradigm! One of the cavemen named Broud (Thomas G. Waites) decides to throw Aaliyah a bone (literally) and rapes her. Yeah he rapes her a lot. And I think he does it in front of the other cavepeople. I might be imagining that part. I have been totally accurate up until this moment.

But Aaliyah is not completely alone in the bitter neanderthal world. She has some friends like Iza and Creb (Pamela Reed and James Remar), social outcasts themselves. Iza is a witch (maybe) and Creb is... um... messed up. Everything is a struggle. Everything is unfair. The meek get beaten and raped by the strong. Jeez, I'm getting depressed just thinking about this fucking movie.

Anyway, the rape scenes (don't click here for artist's concept) in this movie are disturbing (which is probably why these scenes in any film bother me so much now). But then Broud has a bout of impotency and gets all mad and stuff. Iza is all like 'what was that all about?' and Aaliyah demonstrates Broud's failing rape-member with a floppy stick demonstration and everyone gets a laugh out of it. So I'm sitting there with my mom and dad and I just wanted to die. How much I understood of what all this meant, I have no idea. I just know that I wished I had a machine gun and the ability to step inside a movie. Because I would have mowed them all down. This, I promise you.

So Aaliyah gets preggers and gets shunned from the tribe for using their stupid weaponry. Stupid woman! You no use weapons! Let Goov, Grod, Zoug, Dorv, Droog, or Crug use that slingshot thingie. Jeez, men were just the same as they are nowadays. Always opressin' the womenz. Shit! I can't believe I've seen this movie! SHIT! She finally meets a decent guy who appreciates her scuzzy blond dreads but he gets killed by a bear. That was surprising. So aside from learning how to treat the ladies, I also learned that life sucks.

(I love the Italian artwork. Title translates to Cromagnon Rape Adventure.)

I can't even describe to you the joy I felt just now finding out that this film was a financial flop. Good! I wish this movie had cost $900 million and then made NOTHING! I bet Daryl Hannah was pissed. She was all like 'man, that would have been so rad doing all the sequels.' Oh yes, dear reader, the book on which this is based has sequels. SEQUELS! Unfortunately, this film probably did well on home video. I know one family that rented it. Mine. I'm not sure if I was 11 or 12 when my folks rented Daryl Hannah's shame-film but it doesn't matter, I will always be too young to watch it with my parents or anybody else's parents.

There are other humiliating films that I watched with my parents but none so traumatically awful as this garbage. I remember being embarrased by watching Shirley Valentine with mom and pop. That was the last time I watched anything middle aged lady empowering. Jeez. And that time my mom rented Whore with Theresa Russell. We didn't get very far into that film before my mom took it out of the VCR and said something like 'we are NOT watching the rest of THAT!' Why did she rent it in the first place? Why did she think her 15 year old son wanted to watch it at all, nevermind watching it with his mom!

Daryl Hannah has a boy's name. What is up with that?

Franco Friday #16: Women Without Innocence

2011-05-13T17:09:00.004-04:00

I am not in the mood right now. No seriously, why am I doing this? I am so sick of erotic cinema right now I am about ready to puke or jam a pencil in my armpit and call it macaroni. Why did Franco make so many sex movies? Was there something like wrong with him or something? I really don't give a crystal shit about sex movies. Anyway, here's another one.

Franco Friday #16

Women Without Innocence
Directed by Jess Franco
1977 (or 1978 according to IMDB)
Starring Lina Romay, Muriel Montosse, Michael Maien, Esther Struder, Monica Swinn
Running Time: 76 minutes

A young woman named Margarita (played by Lina Romay) is found bloody and in a state of hysterics along with the bodies of a married couple. She is taken to a women's insane asylum where Dr. Antonio (Michael Maien) is using some experimental and bizarre techniques to treat his patients. But all is not as it seems in this house of deranged nekkid ladies. Nurse Irina (Muriel Montosse) and Dr. Whatshisface (no idea who this duder is) are actually trying to shock Margarita out of her mute psychosis so they can find out where her dead friends, who were freakin' diamond smugglers, kept their stash. To further complicate the situation, there is a killer running around stabbing the comely patients of the nursing facility with a butcher knife.

Other than Joe D'Amato and Jean Rollin, Jess Franco is the only director I go this far outside of my cinematic comfort zone for. I really knew absolutely nothing going into Women Without Innocence (great title!) but I was hardly surprised by all the softcore sex scenes. And there's a lot. There are sex scenes that segue into other sex scenes and I just want to curl up and die. But hey, it's Franco, there must be something good here, right? Begrudgingly, I say yes. Women Without Innocence, when it's good, is a lurid, woozy, and funny flick. The camerawork by Peter Baumgartner is excellent. Seriously, this movie looks way better than it should.

Lina Romay does it again. And by it, I mean, sneaks into my heart and makes me give a crap about another one of her characters. Margarita is in serious trouble and the more that is revealed about how she came to be a gibbering madwoman, the sadder and more interesting she becomes. There is a moment when Romay looks right into the camera. I don't know if it was intentional but her look just seemed to say, "I know I'm an actress playing a woman in a madhouse but seriously, get me the fuck out of here!" It is awesome and I have no idea if it was intentional or not. Another standout scene happens when Margarita wanders away from the institution at dusk. There is the rumble of an approaching thunderstorm and the whole bit borders on gothic horror.

I'm glad that Women Without Innocence has some redeeming qualities, many of Franco's bawdier titles do, but for me, watching and reviewing erotic cinema is still a chore. You'll never hear me say: "Wow, I love this! So happy there were some sex scenes to keep all that weird stuff and atmospheric crap from getting in the way!" Although this Franco flick has some points of interest (and definitely doesn't take itself very seriously), I can only recommend this one to only the most devout of his fans. File under almost brilliant.

"Make her stop, her moaning is giving me the creeps! She sounds like a dog."

Hello! This Is The Doomed Show

2011-05-09T13:02:00.002-04:00

As I continue to expand the DooMo CinSom empire, I decided to give "podcasting" a whirl. My good friend Brad joined me for the very first episode of Hello! This Is The Doomed Show. We talk about Armando Crispino's excellent giallo The Dead Are Alive. And since this is the first episode you can expect unrestrained nervousness, hilarious technical difficulties, abysmal short term memory loss, and botulism. You can download the episode right here. Grab it, listen, and let us know what you think. And as always, be gentle with our hearts.

Franco Friday: X312 - Flight to Hell

2011-05-06T07:00:00.028-04:00

The wife and I took a little vacation and I thought that I might put this one off a week. But no, I got home and Franco was waiting for me. Who am I to resist? No seriously, who am I? I feel like Jackie Chan all of a sudden. I needed something very silly and tinged with sadness. Franco? Franco, can you hear me? Franco, can you help me not be frightened?

Franco Friday #15

X312 – Flight To Hell
Directed by Jess Franco
1971
Starring Thomas Hunter, Gila von Weitershausen, Hans Hass Jr., Fernando Sancho, Esperanza Roy, Ewa Stromberg, Siegfried Schuenberg, Howard Vernon
85 minutes

A reporter named Tom Nilson (Thomas Hunter) sits down at his desk, presses record on his tape player, and begins to tell the story of how he survived a plane crash in the Amazonian jungle. The film flashes back to the fateful flight and its passengers. Aboard the plane is a bank tycoon (Siegfried Schuenberg) smuggling jewels out of the country. At the plane’s last stop before leaving for Brazil, a man boards with the intention of hijacking the plane and forcing it to land where Pedro (Howard Vernon), an outlaw living in an old fort with his gang, can intercept and steal the jewels.

The plan goes afoul when the idiot pilot decides to fight with the hijacker in the cockpit. The survivors of the crash, led by Tom, start making their way through the jungle in the hopes of finding a village or some other form of life. Bill the steward (played by Fernando Sancho) decides to take the jewels for himself so he starts killing off anyone who gets in his way. And just when things can’t get any worse, they do. Restless bow and arrow-wielding natives as well as Pedro and his gang start attacking the survivors.

The moment I saw the cover for X312 – Flight to Hell, I knew I was in for a treat. While nowhere near one of Franco’s best, this film definitely has its charms. The stench of exploitation is very ripe but things never get out of hand. The ubiquitous rape scene takes place off camera and the sex scenes are brief. The action scenes, double crosses, triple crosses, and the sociological aspects (human beings are greedy!) of the story are played up much more than the sex. The soundtrack is kind of mediocre with occasional bursts of faux-pop pleasantness from the radio that somehow survived the plane crash. Camerawork by Manuel Merino is pretty good though there are focusing issues and the whole film looks really drab (could be the DVD I watched).

The sexy Euro-babes in the cast include the wildly voluptuous Espernaza Roy (A Candle for the Devil) as the snotty rich lady, Gila von Weitershausen as the childish teddy bear-toting goof, and the always lovely Ewa Stromberg (Vampyros Lesbos) as the slutty American. Howard Vernon is fifteen kinds of badass as Pedro. The duder is done up with some tan makeup and a bad mustache with glue so thick you can see it glistening. American-born Thomas Hunter (The Hills Run Red) is excellent in the lead. Tom is a no nonsense kind of guy with a conscience that he should definitely stop listening to.

X312 – Flight to Hell almost feels like a throwaway flick for Franco but once again, I found myself engaged and I just had to know how it was all going to end. There were a few meandering bits, some laughably stupid moments (not surprising), and a terribly sped-up fight scene but overall, this is an enjoyably trashy though cheap adventure film. If you’re looking for something sweaty, horny, blurry, just a little drowsy, and will leave you saying “Hey, this is kind of all right,” then check this film out.

Short Vacation

2011-05-04T12:29:00.000-04:00

Potter's Wax Museum, St. Augustine, Florida.

Franco Friday #14: Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein

2011-04-29T08:57:00.001-04:00

I had to struggle with this one and it was mostly a happy struggle with some deep, unforgettable strains of weepy depression. This is Franco being racist against bats. That's not a metaphor. Duder hates bats. I wrote this review too fast and had to take about eight hours off to think about things. This is the result. Did I mention that I have given up caffeine?

Franco Friday #14

Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein
Directed by Jess Franco
1962
Starring Dennis Price, Howard Vernon, Alberto de Dables, Paca Gabaldon, Genevieve Robert
85 minutes

Victor Frankenstein (played by Dennis Price) kills Count Dracula (Howard Vernon) and then takes him in bat-form back to his lab so that he can create an “Army of Shadows” to take over the world or the underworld or whatever. He then resurrects Dracula and has him drinking the blood of chicks and by that I mean ladies. Pretty soon, Dr. Frankenstein has a few too many vampires and they start running rampant around his castle and the nearby village. After his wife (Paca Gabaldon) is kidnapped by the Frankenstein's monster and he is beaten and left for dead, Dr. Jonathan Seward (Alberto de Dalbes) is nursed back to health by a gypsy woman (Genevieve Robert). She enlists him to help stop Frankenstein from spreading evil all over the world.

Director Jess Franco attempts to combine a full on monster mash-up with a subtly beautiful gothic horror poem. Is he successful? I can say, without a doubt, that he…is? Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein was shot, as far as I can tell, back to back with The Rites of Frankenstein making use of some great locations but this time the camera is in focus more often. Yay! While not quite as in-your-face manic as Rites, this film is still the work of a kooky Spanish duder with an insane imagination and a mountain of determination. I'll stop rhyming now.

At times, it seemed to me like the quieter and prettier moments of this film felt like something that Jean Rollin might cook up. And then, once the monsters start duking it out rather pathetically (notice I did not say “unenergetically”), Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein feels like something Al Adamson would have been proud to have directed. Like I said, the locations are great with the spooky old castle and the dilapidated village and stuff. Heck, there’s buckets of atmosphere in this film, hampered only by the stuffy library music which gets way more time than contributions from composer Bruno Nicolai.

I hope that Dennis Price was instructed to act like a stupid and moronic dumbass idiot on camera because those are the results he gets. Every scene he’s in, he has these little fits and starts that make we want to give up the ghost. On the opposite side of the spectrum is Howard Vernon. This duder is as stiff as a board as the Count. Best mannequin impression ever. Even the stone-faced Luis Barboo gets lively by comparison as Morpho, Frankenstein’s assistant. Morpho? Hm... Where have I heard that name before? Gee, I wonder.

Alberto de Dalbes comes off very well in this film. His portrayal of Dr. Seward is sympathetic and pretty dang awesome. Dalbes is upstaged by Genevieve Robert as the gypsy woman. She is sexy as hell and very wise in the ways of magic. Other hot and sexy ladies in this flick include Britt Nichols, Paca Gabaldon, and Anne Libert. They keep their clothes on! Which makes me wonder if there is another cut of this film titled Dracula, Erotic Prisoner of Frankenstein out there somewhere.

I must warn you, animal lovers, there is some bat abuse in this one. Old cheapskate Franco splurged on this film and got a live bat. I know what you’re thinking: “How many times have I seen a real bat in a European horror film? Oh yeah, NEVER!” (Well, almost never.) Anyway, Mr. Jess Moneybags decides to drown this poor little buddy in a beaker full of fake blood. This is supposed to represent Dr. Frankenstein resurrecting the Count. Well, it’s fucking stupid and pointlessly cruel. I don’t care if bats are vermin, they don’t deserve a slow, agonizing death. Oh and there’s another bat (hey why not waste two?) dangled in front of the camera by its wings. I thought I’d mention that if you were gonna keep score or something. Why do I watch this garbage?

How cheap is Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein? How’s this: a group of villagers are seen storming the castle with recently extinguished torches! Hickory-smoked motherfuckers can't even afford matches. This movie is cheap beyond adjectives that describe cheapness but when has that ever stopped Franco? The gloomy atmosphere, minimal dialog, and (maybe intentional) comedy make up for lack of funding on this one. If only Franco's Count Dracula had been this deliriously fun.

So, damn it all to hell, I kind of like this movie and I feel very conflicted about it. This one is very daffy but combine that with how somber this one feels and you get a nice dichotomy of tones. Or just a rich, creamy lather of “What the fuck am I watching?” I only recommend this film to people who hate bats and those who have found out that they are desperate Franco addicts. Despite the glaring faults like bat abuse and a pubic hair werewolf, Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein lingers in the mind long after it is over.

If You Are Following This Blog...

2011-04-27T07:00:00.034-04:00

WEE OOO WEE OOO! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

CinSom is two years old today and like any toddler, it's spitting up and sharting on everything. So if you have been willing to get soiled this whole time or are just now getting splattered, I just want you to know that I really, really appreciate your time spent here at the blog. And a special shoutout goes to my blogger duder-homeys who have inspired me to at least attempt not to suck too hard. I will continue to try and make this an interesting, or at least mildly amusing, place to visit.

And I put this question to all of you? What is CinSom missing? Is there anything you'd like to see around this old place? Any films, directors, or genres you'd like me to get around to or whatever? Speak up here or email me sometime if you think of anything.

Franco Friday #13: Eugenie de Sade

2011-04-22T07:00:00.044-04:00

And so here we are, lucky 13. I feel like I've been grasping for a light switch in the dark so far and now I've got my hand caught in a generator. If this film isn't Franco at the top of his game then damn yo, I am not ready for the next one. I feel haunted and a little fucked up. Meh, forget the intro, let's do this.

Franco Friday #13

Eugenie de Sade
Directed by Jess Franco
1974
Starring Soledad Miranda, Paul Muller, Andres Monales, Greta Schmidt, Alice Arno, Jess Franco
86 minutes

The film opens with Eugenie (played by Soledad Miranda) undressing a woman. They are laughing. The woman lies down on the bed. This is a home movie. Eugenie’s stepfather, Albert (Paul Muller), steps into frame and strangles the girl to death. This is a snuff film. Next time we see her, Eugenie has been beaten severely and is seemingly recuperating in a hospital bed. A writer named Attila Tanner (played by Jess Franco) comes to her bedside and asks that she tell her story. Eugenie agrees but only if Tanner agrees to put her out of her misery when her tale is finished. Tanner agrees.

Next, Eugenie tells of being raised by Albert after her mother died right after she was born. As she grew up, her stepfather, a writer of great talent but little recognition, became increasingly obsessed with erotic writing and literature. After she gets caught reading a particularly disturbing book from Albert’s library, Eugenie discovers the true nature of her father. The man is a sadist who wants to take his psychosexual experiments to the next level and take a person’s life. Eugenie agrees.

The two go out on the prowl for strippers, hookers, and hitchhikers. They pretend to be newlyweds, nice people, or maybe just a couple of perverts looking for kicks. Then they strike, murdering these people for their own sick desires, photographing or filming the event. With each of their evil little games, the stakes get higher and they become crueler. Albert suggests a game in which Eugenie take a lover and drive him to the brink of madness. He chooses Paul (played by Andres Monales), a sensitive jazz musician, for Eugenie to seduce and manipulate. But things do not go as planned and for the first time, Eugenie breaks the rules.

For me, Eugenie de Sade is the cinematic equivalent of getting hit by a bus. This erotic thriller is ice cold and, in terms of cold-blooded and ruthless villains, it makes many giallo villains I’ve seen look like Captain Kangaroo. It is also a breathy, dizzy, and mesmerizing experience. Jess Franco directs this extremely well written piece of sex and violence like a man possessed. The colors are vibrant, the pacing is very good, and the story is intriguing. The score by the always brilliant Bruno Nicolai is achingly beautiful and menacing.

First and foremost, the performances of Soledad Miranda and Paul Muller are phenomenal. In the middle of this movie, I was like “Damn, these two have such a weird marriage. Oh shit, I forgot, that’s her stepdad! AAAAAHHH!!!!” In the beginning, one gets a sense that Albert is just a normal guy raising his stepdaughter and you think that some trigger is going to be pulled and he’s going to go off the deep end. Then as the story unfolds, it’s pretty obvious that there is something terribly wrong with the man who would raise Eugenie in total isolation and fill her head with crazy ideas.

I didn’t really get Soledad Miranda until I saw her as Eugenie. Until then, I only knew her as the striptease vamp from Vampyros Lesbos and Lucy the juicebox from Franco’s Count Dracula. She is a girl in love with her stepdad, a man who has always been her entire world. This is a person whose fate has been set since day 1 and the moment she strays and sees outside the little cozy cage she’s been kept prison in, she comes to life and is willing to risk disappointing the one man who she has looked up to her entire life. She is the tragic heroine and also a demon capable of squeezing the life out of someone and having one wicked orgasm afterwards. Shit man, I can't even look at her now without wanting to cry.

Wait a second. There has to be a catch, right? This movie can’t be a perfect masterpiece, can it? Okay, fine, I admit that the film is a little cheap. Some of the sets are a little more than slightly less than extravagant. I actually wrote in my notes: “How much of this film is going to take place in the library?” When someone is stabbed, a little bit of red paint is all the paltry effects budget would allow. And yes, that same red paint is used for bruising. Then there’s the body hair. If you took Paul Muller’s back and shoulder hair and Andres Monales’ leg and butt hair and combined them, you’d have three Wookiees and half a Robin Williams. But seriously, folks…

This film is pure evil and yet it is a joy to behold. Innocence is shaped and molded into cruelty and horror by a madman. And then, during the awakening, when just for an instant, things are right and good; the darkness swoops in to crush the dream. Eugenie de Sade feels dangerous. Its subject matter is very dark and yet, once again, I connected with the characters emotionally. How does Franco keep doing that to me? Even when those characters are sick bastards toying with their prey to heighten their own satisfaction when they take a human life, I’m still utterly fascinated. If you are curious about Jess Franco and want to know what the fuss is all about, check this one out.

“I’ll never forget the first time snow fell that winter. As if by some enchantment, everything became, white, neat, unreal, strange.”