Friday, December 3, 2010
The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 Made Me Puke!
It shouldn't surprise the average horror fan that a film as pitiful and lame as The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 could inspire me to a very long night of reverse peristalsis. Other than that friggin' awesome cover art, THHEP2 totally sucks. But in Wes Craven's defense, his ill-conceived coke binge in the desert (that's just my speculation on how this POS came to be), isn't the only thing behind one of the most nauseating nights of my life.
It was a Saturday evening in my tenth year of life and my TV promised me some scary delights with The Hills Have Eyes Part 2. My parents ordered pizza from my favorite place in town. This was Peachtree City, Georgia, by the way, and the quality of pizza available was probably not what one would call "gourmet". This particular pizza place (whose name I cannot recall; though I doubt it was one of the majors) had pretty strange pizza. The cheese always looked like it had melted and set several days before its arrival at our front door. The sauce was strangely tangy and very, very salty. While I beheld the (un)magic of THHEP2, I gorged myself on this stuff (pepperoni to be precise).
Then I noticed that something was wrong. That dizzy feeling which I had mistaken as hunger wasn't going away. It was getting worse. I stopped in mid chewing to run to the bathroom and puke my guts out. I stayed in the bathroom for a while. Once I was sure I was empty, I brushed my teeth and staggered out to the living room. My mom threw a blanket around me and I laid out on the couch. Lucky for me, THHEP2 was still on! Thank you, commercial breaks.
So I'm lying there, in a flu-inspired fever and still rather nauseous, and trying to make some sense out of this fucking lame ass movie. The film is still a blur to me. I remember some traps, some hill people, motorbikes, and a dog. One could argue that I should probably watch this film again without the extenuating circumstances of pizza vomit and raging fever but really, who gives a shit? Deep down in my heart, I know that The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 blows. So what?